Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Barbados: School of Scamps, or Satanists?

Remember back at school when you'd get everybody together and co-ordinate high-jinks, usually to start at a given signal?

I bet your actions were received by little more than raised eyebrows from the teachers, or possibly some shouting from the permanently irate PE teacher.

Not in Barbados, where the schools REALLY take action. See "School uproar work of devil"

Dig this quote:

He said the amount of Valium administered to the students "would have put most of us to sleep immediately and some of these children delayed and even became more active after [receiving] Valium"


Yeh: Valium, on kids!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Polly's Gone Crackers

Having purchased—and listened to— PJ Harvey's latest album, I have to make an appeal.

Dear Polly,
We love you, and could forgive you almost anything, but PLEASE: your new persona as "local madwoman at back of congregation" doesn't work. We all want the barriers pushed back, but attempting to reach dogs twenty miles away is not easy for the rest of us to listen to.

Pigeon Latest: Taxation

Was it not Pere Ubu that said "You don't need a cure; You need a fiscal solution"?

Well, the inland revenue have found a way of warding off the pigeon threat by taxing those in thrall to the flying wizards of satan, namely, the pigeon racing fraternity.

Apparently, pigeon racing is not a sport!

But not if they get The Queen on their side; she's already got Prince Harry on the job of killing their natural predators, the hen harriers. Mind you, look how pigeon-biased Daily Mail buried the news in this trite!.

Forget the Diana inquiry: what about the pigeons?

Friday, November 23, 2007

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Blazer Warning!



Yes, it has been confirmed that Brian Barwick, the man who selected Steve McClaren for the England job, will be also choosing the next England manager.

Someone with a nice short back and sides, and a tidy line in ironed ties then.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

England 2 Croatia 3

Any commentary on why England were so bad tonight would be to miss the point. Tonight's victory was a basically a statement of intent by Croatia.

They understand that the qualifiers are the place to start the campaign to actually win the tournament, and they certainly emphasised that at Wembley.

Congratulations, they deserved it.

And it's nice to know that the England chumps will be missing out on the advertising millions for once.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

When World's Collide

Imagine my despair this week as my favourite TV programme Ugly Betty despoils itself with Victoria Beckham as guest. I admit, a programme focussed upon the complete shallowness of celebrity culture could do no wrong by incorporating the epitomy of pointless celebrity, but I can't bear the fact that they've opened the door for the wretched former Spice to fulfill her American dream.

Why couldn't she feature in the Soprano's, preferably being driven in the trunk of Paulie's car to an "intervention" in the New Jersey woods. I'm not a misogynist, but I'd go Pay TV for that.

And thinking about it, was not Pia Zadora ahead of her time? Her sugar daddy paid a fortune to attempt to make her famous, because that's what it took back then. Had she been around now, well being married to a rich guy would suffice.

This equally applies to dreadful old shagged-out Rolling Stones parasite Marianne Faithful, who was one of the first pointless "famous for being famous" celebrities, who is sadly still treading the circuit doing her hackneyed old act on Britain's lesser radio stations, aware as she is that the attention span of the average up and coming radio producer is about three years, and that the mention of a drugged up old rock groupie who had photographic evidence of knowing some of the sixties movers and shakers is actually suffice to get yourself on air. And often.

Please make it stop.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Here We Go, Here We Go: Again!

Since last year's World Cup debacle, I've resisted passing comment on the state of football, basically because I haven't seen the point in falling into the tired old "told you so" blogging that serves little purpose.

However, following the events at the weekend when Israel gifted a lifeline to England, I'm already bracing myself for the pointless jingoism ahead. Surely, Israel's win against the clueless Russians merely illustrates how poorly England performed in Moscow in aiding the Russians back into the game. Yet this point will be glossed over as McClaren's hapless millionaires ponce around against Croatia on Wednesday.

Prepare for the worst as England go one down, and struggle for the rest of the game before scraping a desperate equalizer just before full-time and thus qualifying for Euro08. This will be the cue for over-optimistic national pride, and the launch of an eight-month media campaign of hyping the England team as potential tournament winners, and very lucrative it will be for this venal shower of mediocrities.

Heard it all before? Yes, every tournament. Remember Japan 2002? England fuck up in the qualifiers (in the belief that beating Germany 5-1 gave them instant qualification), and THEN fucked up against their last game against Greece AT HOME. Yes, Beckham earned a fortune from that last-minute equalizing free kick, but it was Germany's failure to beat lowly Finland that actually helped England avoid playoffs. This has been written out of English football history. Incidently, the apaulingly weak German side that suffered that 5-1 defeat went on to reach the final.
(England went out attempting to play Brazil with Danny Mills at right back!)

And already, prior to them Croatia game on Wednesday, "Stevie" Gerrard is in front of the microphone blathering on about how they're all going to try extra especially hard this time. Like last time. And the time before.

Somebody tell them to shut up, and just play. Wouldn't it be nice even, if they admitted that it was probably better to forego the sponsorship, and the concomittant glossy high-profile that goes with it in order to concentrate on getting the job done. I'm sure that John Terry would argue that his £100,000+ a week (that's sterling, not dollars) isn't enough to live on, but I'm he could make ends meet if he tried.

Failure to qualify may do English football a favour. Denied the advertising riches that qualifying would guarantee, this over-paid bunch of under-performers, excluded from the honeypot, may question what happened, and some may realise that it was something to do with them!

Oh, by the way. England are world football's Newcastle. Big reputation, little to show for it, an the rest of the world knows it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Pump It Up!

I've always been led to believe that what a man gets up to in his own time behind closed doors is his own business.

Apparently, the Scots disagree, and have disturbed a Bicycle Sex Fiend to prove it.

There is no indication that the bicycle ever complained, but that's the Hibernian Puritans for you.

(Note: I like it that the BBC have helpfully provided a photograph of a bicycle to illustrate the point, although one assumes that this is not THE bicycle that had received the 'servicing'. Obviously, the molested bicycle would have appeared only in pixilated form).

Make a mental note: if the caretaker knocks on the door, DON'T IGNORE HIM, HE'S GOT KEYS!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Animal Magic

OK, lazy blogging I know:

1) Crazy Indian Dog related story: Here

2) Crazy English Cat related story: Here

Note: on story 2. I know Talbot Woods well, and remember staggering across them home to a bedsit at Cemetary Junction back in 1981 during a Nouveau Ted phase in drainpipes & brothel creepers, with the best sidies known to man, at 5.00am after a party in the Triangle, where I so nearly got off with a buxom sculptress. Sadly, she passed out before I could make my move, and I was too much of a gentlemen, even at that age, to take advantage. Thinking back, that may have been a mistake: she was magnificent.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

At Your Convenience

OK, everybody, I'll try keep this above the waist:

I've just heard of the sterling working carried out by the British Toilet Association, who are campaigning steadfastly against the closure of public lavatories.

I'm pleased to read that their awards are sponsored by Dyson Airblades, the Rolls Royce of hand-dryers. And if you haven't experienced the joy of the Airblade, get yourself down to the toilets in John Lewis, where you'll enjoy the experience of drying your hands within seconds, and you'll never want to dry them on the back of your jeans ever again.

And that's as far as I go on this one.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Menezes: Police "Guilty", But Not To Blame

Shortly after beginning employment as a local government officer, nearly ten years ago, I witnessed the approach taken by my new employer, a Council, in imposing a "no blame" culture.

Local authorities, reservoirs of mediocrity, are ever awash with "new initiatives" and will buy into any trend going, in the belief that they'll be able to spin any perceived benefits as "progress".

The No Blame initive that I witnessed was being employed during a team meeting, where a problem was being discussed. Basically, the team's Fuckwit had Fucked Up, as usual, and the Fuck Up had to be addressed.

As it was a No Blame meeting, the Fuck Up was being discussed in general terms, without naming the Fuckwit concerned, or his culpability for the Fuck Up.

This generalisation meant that the whole team was being addressed in regard to the Fuck Up, addressing what they could do to avoid doing the Fuck Up again by using a few simple, easy to follow, quality control procedures.

In consequence, and not surprisingly, the team grew resentful because they believed that they were collectively being held responsible for the Fuck Up, whilst accordingly, the Fuckwit sat there grinning to himself because the Fuck Up clearly had nothing to do with him.

I was reminded of this nonsense by today's news regarding the verdict against the Metropolitan Police in the Menezes case, where a the innocent Brazilian was murdered in cold blood by armed officers.

The Met's response is very much that of the Fuckwit above, in that they don't appear to think this has anything to do with them. Commissioner Ian Blair's response (that they didn't kill anyone else!) is to reduce the issue to a Health & Safety non-conformance, on par with a poorly stored ladder, or a bulb that needs replacing.

The Met has never shown any sense that they understand the gravity of the fact that the Metropolitan Police killed an innocent man, and did so on public transport during the rush hour.

They continue to tread out the tedious spin of how they're attempting to protect the public in difficult times, yet they have proved to be a far more effective killing machine than the "terrorist cell" that they were attempting to pursue on that day.