Turn Off The Tap.

I turned off Radio 4 today, as I was unwilling to listen to the contributions of people complaining that their property wasn't worth what they wanted it to be and that the government wasn't willing to help them.

People have not only bought into the notion that property will always acrue value, but have allowed themselves to be convinced that the economy will always grow, and that capitalism will always be to their advantage. It has become a belief that profit and credit are a right, and not a luxury or a stroke of luck.

This naivety is evident in attitudes towards the environment. In the Guardian, Juliette Jowit reports on how Britain is using Too Much Water. Like the economy, our natural resources are not only being taken for granted, but are seen to be part of a birthright.

The current recession is about punters discovering that there is a difference between having money (savings) and having access to money (credit). And tomorrow we're going to have the same problem with natural resources.

As long as we have access to water, ie: run the tap and out it comes on demand, we will all assume that it part of an entitlement.

Maybe it is possible to apply the lessons of the current recession to the environment, to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. Maybe we need to begin to address the recent past as a rare period of luxury, abundance and fleeting affluence, and begin to face the future realistically. Don't spend what you haven't got, basically.

I'm not talking about a dystopian future, but an enlightened one, where everybody get's off the fantasy bus and grows up.

Let's get real.

Charles Fox of Covent Garden

Don't you just LOVE theatrical suppliers!

Bark

End Of An Ear

"Did you hear the news?"

Pause

"What ?"

"I said; did you here the news?"

Pause

"No; why, should I have?"

"Well, not exactly, it's just that..."

"Just that WHAT?"

Pause

"It's just that Harold Pinter has died"

Pause

"Harold Pinter?"

"Yes, Harold Pinter. He's dead. On the news. Just Now. Harold Pinter. Dead"

"Harold Pinter?"

"Yes; Harold Pinter."

Long Pause

"He would have liked that! That's what he was like!"

Pause

"Yes"

Pause

Curtain.

Briefs

BBC: When I saw the headline "Five Minutes With James Blunt" I naturally assumed that it was introducing some kind of televised endurance style challenge where hapless would-be's compete to withstand a whole host of torments to win big money. Sadly not; it's just an ill-advised interview with the singing Captain.

TV Tonight: Imagine my surprise to discover the porn sounding Take That Come To Town showing on terrestrial TV before the watershed. Apparently it refers to the former boy-band Take That, and not on what I took to be a noun three words in.

And Finally: On the tube tonight, I saw some graffiti inexpertly scrawl across and advert stating: "Kill All Musums". Someone's either angry about Museums or Muslims, I'm not sure, unless there is a persecuted race of Musums out there that we have yet to hear of. Maybe the Guardian should look into it.

The Gaelic Recumbent Manoeuvre

As I was ascending the hill towards home, I approached the Irish bar which had a group of men huddled outside.

When I say Irish bar, I don't mean a chain pub with bicycles and road signs inside, but a genuine shit-hole where Irishmen drink. To excess.

As I approached the outside drinkers, whom I assumed were smokers taking the air, I noticed one guy leaning over and attending to something on the ground which I took to be a large shapeless holdall of some kind.

On closer inspection, amongst the inebriate elderly West Coast gypsies, with their flat caps, calloused hands and rough hewn impenetrable West Coast accents, lay another elderly man. He was conscious, of sorts, and able to move an arm, but appeared drunk beyond standing. His companions appeared to be comfortable with the situation and continued to discuss whatever they were so animated about. (Horses?)

I'm convinced that the guy I saw leaning over towards the prostrate one was actually asking him what he wanted to drink.

I shan't comment on what I witnessed through the pub window!

Drinking Culture: it's a lifestyle choice.

Van English Usage

Welcome to 2009!

At a wedding this weekend, (the niece got herself married off), we were staying at the Haven Hotel, located on Britain's most over-inflated piece of real estate.

Imagine the irony then, that in the very hotel that Marconi proved the efficacy of his Radio Transmissions over water, it is almost impossible to get a radio signal on the state of the art hifi deviced provided in the extravagently expensive rooms. The Isle of Wight transmitter is practically visable from the room!


The only station available was a local chart dance station with the usual "YOU'RE LISTENING TO LOCAL FM ON 1089; AND WE'RE HERE TO GET YOUR WEEKEND FIRED UP AND RARING TO GO: HERE'S BEYONCE!!"

The bride, however, despite organising the whole thing herself with the tenacity of a D-Day beach commander, was beautiful.

Principality Braces Itself for Rodent Onslaught!

Whilst enduring the Radio 2 phone-in today, and the whinging of Scottish anglers who believe their hobby is about to be torn from them by the reintroduction of a once native species, I at least got to hear of the Welsh Beaver Assessment Initiative!

Yes, a Welsh Beaver Assessment Initiative!

Right To Buy: The Non-Conformity Issue

These Are Small; Those Are Far Away!

It occurred to me many years ago that I would never make it as a stand up comedian, as I didn't know enough about daytime TV, which, for many a performer, was the sole topic of their material.

I've never been one to turn the box on unless there's something worth watching, however indolent I may be. However, this afternoon was an exception, as I sought some background distraction during a post-gardening sandwich, and jabbed the remote towards the TV, only to step through the looking glass.

I was a little surprised that they were showing Father Ted at four in the afternoon, and an episode that I had never seen to boot! I was even further surprised to discover that it wasn't Father Ted at all, and that it was a commercial break featuring an ad for some singing priests, in the style on Craggy Island itself.

Surely some prankster high-jinks; after all, how much does an afternoon slot cost these days?

Imagine my dismay to discover that The Priests are in fact REAL, and just in time for Christmas! (I think the guy on the right may have been in Ultravox).

Yes, truth is more absurd than fiction.

Feck! Arse! Gels!

Please Wash Your Hands!

I forgot to mention an incident at my place of work last week.

I was innocently sat at my desk, I don't know, probably straightening out a paper clip or something, when the phone opposite rang. The woman at that desk answered the call, and engaged in conversation.

After a moment she laughed, and said:

"I'm sorry, it sounded like you said he took the trolley in the toilet!"

After a pause, and having listened to the response she grew agitated and reacted with:

"HE DID TAKE THE TROLLEY IN THE TOILETS! No, no! He shouldn't be taking the food trolley into the toilets! I'll get on to them now. Err, thanks for letting me know!"

Yes, the morning food trolley guy had made a detour to his round and visited the Gents along with the food.

The following few minutes featured a series of frenetic conversations which involved instructing the catering staff to find the food trolley, to isolate it, and to ensure that the goods thereon should be destroyed in front of witnesses.

Basically, my colleague was the first to locate the dirty dealer, and she explained to us how she pulled a packet of sandwiches from a bemused customer, barking at her "I can't explain why, but you can't have 'em"

Once the goods were secured, and returned to base, they had a ritual opening and binning of the stigmatised foodstuffs at the back of the canteen, but it was believed that the deviant vendor had in fact made numerous sales to unsuspecting members of the workforce prior to being apprehended.

I was only disappointed that they didn't put out a message of the day along the lines of the "Has your snack been in the lavatory this morning?" variety.

As for WHY the trolleyista was in the toilet we don't know. He probably decided to start his round with a quick tinkle, but I prefer the notion that he was serving goods to those too busy to leave their ablutions.

Tap Tap!

"Sandwich sir?"

"Yeh, Cheese and pickle, white bread; just pass it under the door!"

"Thankyou" "Sorry, do you have anything smaller?"

As the man says, It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon

Flying East

Dog Declared "New Gautier"

"Yule Rage" And The Festive Twig

Yes, it's only just December and it's Christmas already. However, according to the Guardian, this is a cut-price Christmas fueling Yule Rage.

However, before you pity the people of Peterlee and their inadequate tree, check out the Peterlee Mail, which not only has the best photo of the pathetic Christmas Tree, but raises the question whether Peterlee has more pressing matters to worry about: check out the "more news" strap to the right.

It appears that Peterlee is amid a epidemic of a local news style crime wave.

Mobile Phone Company Generosity

My Mobile supplier texted me today to inform me that VAT had been reduced to 15% and they are PASSING ON THE BENEFIT TO ME!

Er: isn't that the law?