The Shame of Miss Jean Brodie

Well, it's A-Level day again, and once more the press will cover the story in two ways. a) get some crusty old tory to bemoan how exams are getting too easy, and b) feature images of shapely young women jumping the the air for joy at their marvellous results.

However, it transpires that the private girls' schools have been pimping out their prettier ladies for the occasion.

Over at the Media Blog they have examples, including Badminton School's invitation to:

"interview, take shots and film as we have lots of girls coming in that day including the three below who would make very good case studies - they speak extremely well and take a good picture..."

Here's hoping for a hot day where clothing will require loosening!

For You Tommy, Resistance Is Futile!

On glancing at Wikipedia, I read about Czechoslovak motorcycle manufacturer Jawa , well remembered from my childhood as a speedway fan.

I did a double take on the following statement:

World War II period

The Germans had captured the Jawa factory and were using the facility for the research and manufacture of Robots.

ROBOTS? Er, like, with laser eyes and crusher grip hands?

Were they ever deployed? If so, why didn't they win?

What happened to them?

Wikipedia fails to elucidate further, but if the Nazis had killer robots, I think we should know!

Is there a hidden warehouse somewhere in Eastern Europe where Hitler's mechanised Uber Storm Troopers reside, waiting for the moment when they shall be summoned forth to reek terrible revenge?

I'm sorry, but Wikipedia needs to provide a few more details, and quickly!

Welcome To The Self-Incriminating Generation

On watching the "JD Sports" riots last week, I pondered as to how many of the herberts in action would manage to shop themselves. Social media is a great place to share your excitement about what you're up to, but some are unable to think it all the way through.

In recent years, police forces have learned to rely on Facebook, YouTube etc as the first port of call to accrue easy evidence, and so were no doubt confident that half of their job was being done for them by the hapless mob. One dick rushed home with his contraband, and immediately posted photos of his haul online, explaining exactly where and when he had stolen it.

And then there is the smart technology.

The BBC have published this , where an Apple Macbook Pro owner described as a "former NASA and FBI employee", primed his laptop to track its movements.

Having had it stolen, he monitered its use and obtained the thief's "name, school, address in west London and information about his wireless internet".

Curiously, as the police take flak for apparently losing control of the streets last week, we may have to ask how much the crowds were actually policing themselves, and ceding some of that control by recording and reporting their own crimes as they progressed.

Jae

JAE | Part 1 (Lest I Ever Waited / Jim's Place) | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

FO...And Don't Come Back!

Just in case our overseas viewers have been looking at this week's shenanigans with a sense of remoteness, be warned: We're Coming to Get You!

The Foreign & Commonwealth Office has produced a rather useful cut-out and keep guide to Brits in Trouble Abroad .

From the "Oh crying loud, what have they done NOW?" school of embassy work.

Note: back in the seventies, in Biarritz in France, my surfer brother and his pals were held up a machine gun point by basque terrorists/freedom fighters.

Had the van they were sleeping EVER started properly, they would have lost anything, but as it was, the gunmen grabbed what they could, included the much sought after passports, and made off.

Now penniless and stateless, the victims turned to the British Consulate there, public school toffs to a man, who deemed my brother and his friends to be beneath contempt.

Fortunately, the French authorities keen to suppress the story to protect tourism in the high income resort were more than helpful, as were the locals, and aid was provided until the Embassy finally bothered to issue emergency passports so that they could get home.

They were the days.

We Will Fight Them On The Beaches

Give credit where credit is due, the Iranian leadership may be a bunch of fundamentalist tossers, but at least the have displayed an opportunist sense of humour. Yesterday, they appealed to the British Authorities "to exercise restraint" in regard to their approach to the mobs.

Meanwhile, as London burns and the Tories meet the forces at the belatedly convened COBRA* security committee, there was fun in the sand next door in Horse Guards Parade where there was a demonstration of Olympic Beach Volleyball !

Actually, holding any demonstration in Whitehall at the moment may have be construed as foolhardy, but fortunately the sight of those shapely young arses would be enough to calm the nerves of the most savage beast. I suspect that Mr Cameron et al may have ambled over after their talk just to have a perv under the pretence that they're enthused about next year's games. "Yes Prime Minister, that's... er...that's certainly worth, um, waiting for....blimey!"

Maybe that's the answer to the current disorder: a mobile beach volleyball tournament, available for deployment at any moment to any location.

Rioting?: "Look boys! Trim young lady's arses!" Then, as the hoodies' brains turn to mush, uniformed officers round them up like BSE blighted cattle.

Now that's what I call a "snatch squad".

(I've never actually been to a beach volleyball tournament. Do they actually perform to GoGo music? If they don't already, I think they should.)

*The rather cool and vaguely menacing title of the COBRA committee actually derives from Cabinet Office Briefing Room A, located in the Cabinet Office. Yes there is a Cabinet Office Briefing Room B, but A is bigger and accomodates more people.

I Mean; Really!

I've had this for a few days now, but events dear boy:

You know when you're doing a google search, and you get something not quite what you're looking for?

Imaging my disappointment when I found THIS!

A Modest Proposal

As you can imagine, listeners have been queueing for my solutions to the latest disturbances across the metropolis.

I have three:

a) snatch squads grab a mere handful of herberts off the street. Rough them up a bit to gain compliance, then dress them in baby doll outfits with crude girly make up and make them recite on camera "I feel pretty!". This footage to be posted on social media as a warning to the others.

b) Identify mobile numbers used in the area at the time and merely text them a summons to the magistrates court the next day. "Failure to do so..."

c) Helicopter Gunships

OK, not too much social inclusion there, but I think more entertaining, and I'm pissed off because the library was closed when I popped in to drop off the weekend's DVD.

So There!

Meanwhile; Amongst Nature

As the metropolis burns around me, I turn my face to the ground and lo!

Object Trouvet!

I have to admit that this was not photographed in situ, as there were burly workmen sitting around nearby having a litter-strewn fast food lunch, and I feared that I'd appear the milksop if I was witnessed taking this before them.

I therefore carried it home and replicated the scene in my back garden amid the sound of bells from a nearby church. Very quaint: unless of course the peal was one of warning of imminent invasion?

North London Riots: Latest

Obviously, the last two nights have been quite traumatic for all of us, but on the good side, my local crack house now boasts a new plasma screen and a blueray DVD player!

I also have a share in a glazing company.

Result!