I'm Dead; Fly Me

You know how your grandad was always going on about how the only good German was a dead one?

Anyone who has had to endure the wonders that pass for Scouse company will know that on Merseyside they're keen on a good fat story, usually involving Liverpool and some exclusively ridiculous circumstances unknown elsewhere.

It is therefore appropriate that this story from the BBC took place at Liverpool John Lennon Airport (better known as Speke), where two German ladies have been caught in attempting to smuggle a cadaver out of the country.

Apparently:

Staff became suspicious when the women tried to check in the man, who was wearing sunglasses, for a flight to Berlin on Saturday.

No doubt security were concerned that the stiff may have been stuffed full of explosives. Fortunately the "Corpse Bombers" were apprehended in the nick of time.

Seriously though, the authorities should have at least had some sport from whole affair and let them past, just to see how they fared in getting Das Toten Fritzen onto the plane and into a seat. I imagine that the rigor mortis may have required that breaking off limbs in the execution; with hilarious consequences!

To your typewriters; your screenplay starts: NOW!

Mercury Rising

A moment of wonder tonight.

On looking west from the spare room, just after sunset I thought I saw an aircraft light, but not moving, a lone star in the early evening sky. Actually Venus, which tends to be bright.

Anyway, I fetched the binoculars (which I keep on hand just in case the lady over the way is 'displaying'*) and had a look at the bright planet. Then I notice a smaller light just to the right, also not flickering (therefore a planet). Intrigued I do a quick search to realised I've just spotted Mercury!

The heavens continue to give me a childlike thrill, and I always amazed to look at an actual planet.

*How do we know that Galileo wasn't just the local perv, who had invented the telescope for voyeuristic opportunism?

Thump Thump! "let us in Galileo, we know you're in there! We had complaints from the nuns!"

"Er, I can explain everything!"

"My God, what's this for?"

"It's , er, it's for looking at the sky!

"Eh?"

"Yeh, it's, er, it's a 'telescope', it's for looking at stars and planets and stuff, honest!"

"Oh, yeh, and what does the church think of this?"

"Oh, Bugger!"

Great Names of Sport:

Meet Charlie Sharples!

As in "Bugger Me! It's Charlie Sharples!"

Don't know if he's any good; he's a rugby player, and according to Wikipedia, he was born in Hong Kong!

Disaster Scenario? Make Mine A Large One

Nice to know that our men at London Transport have their priorities right when faced by adversity.

Avian Wang Bar Demo

Goodnight, and Sleep Tight

When I was a lad, there was a local factory, known for its low standards, that offered work to even the most unlikely candidates. In those days it was the dole, or XXXXXX (they're still in business, and have foodstuffs in a supermarket near you.)

I always thought about XXXXXX whenever I read a theatre programme, and saw The Bill listed in an actor's credits.

Even the hammiest of thesps could guaranteed work on the police soap, turning up as victims or wrong'uns, often as both in the longer careers, but for not much longer.

Call me a snob, but I'm quite proud to admit I have never seen a single episode of The Bill, and therefore won't miss it, but I do feel for those struggling actors who are now having to turn even more to historical enactment roles within our more ill-conceived themed museum exhibits around the country.

Alex Chilton

I saw Chilton at Dingwalls in 1980, and I'd never seen anyone detune a guitar before, and I thought "I'm having some of that!"

Actually, I so wanted great things from him, and was ultimately disappointed. But that's smackheads for you.

Julian Temple: Detroit

If you didn't see it, go to BBC iPlayer and watch it.

Post - Industrial American heritage being reclaimed by the wilderness. A city too expensive to demolish that it is being left to collapse as a symbol of distopia.

A city with 47% illiteracy rates. That is: a city in a first world country with 47% illiteracy.

A hopeful ending though, as residents are returning to the land and are farming the wasteland.

Awesome.

Winchester

Harry "Administration" Redknapp!

On the morning that Pompey are declared insolvent, and thus condemned to relegation and the probable plunge into the depths of the lower leagues, it is worth noting that Portsmouth, like their south coast rivals Southampton and Bournemouth, have gone under following the stewardship of Harry Redknapp.

West Ham, the other club managed by the ex used car salesman, are potentially in a similar situation.

Will Spurs survive Harry's love of a big squad with extravagant wages?

Will this recession have a second dip? Do you feel lucky?

Animals v. Humans

So the lady got killed by her captive?

The clue is in the name: KILLER Whale.

If you're going to encase an animal (that should swim hundreds of miles amongst its fellow creatures) in a tank, you have to accept that it has plenty of time to wait for the opportunity to get its own back.

Meanwhile, outside my office, I've just witnessed a blind man, guided by a dog, waiting to cross the road. A car pulled up, and to indicate that it was safe to cross the driver FLASHED HIS LIGHTS!

Maybe they teach the dogs optical semiotics at guide school?

Dark Arts Corner

Learn to make a Microsoft Voodoo Doll at ChiGarden

Once more, thanks to Curved White

Oh My God; We're All Going To DIE!

And probably at the hands of a disorientated motorist as the Sun takes it's revenge upon us puny humans.

Yes, our nearest star is about to wreak vengeance as it wakes up after a bit of a nap, and throws out a shed-load of radioactive solar flares, which will tamper with our orbiting communication satellites.

Down here on Earth, this will cause Sat Nav Chaos which will lead to anybody aged under thirty being totally unable to drive anywhere because they have no sense of direction and don't understand how to read a map.

Eco-warriors; this is our moment!

Objet Trouvé

Bold statement at Wood Green tube.

Not only does this work reduce the traditional view of the Madonna and child to an elemental state, but it goes further to present us with a representation of that child, hypertrophic with precocity, prepared to challenge us by competing with it's own mother for the available space in a boldness that is not so much oedipal, than cannibal.

My New Catchphrase

I've been trying out the use of "Is that a euphemism for something, disgusting?"

So far this has been to little effect.

However; the Republican party of American are declaring themselves to be Tea Baggers.

"Tea Bagging? Is that a euphemism for something, disgusting?"

Dirty Sarah Palin, Dirty Dirty Girl.

When In Rome

As the Paul Gascoigne tragedy slowly continues towards its inevitable alcoholic conclusion, the BBC offers us his latest arrest here

I only feature this because it contains the sentence:

In December, Gascoigne was given a fixed penalty notice for being drunk and disorderly in Newcastle

Which begs the question: Just how drunk do you have to get to be "drunk and disorderly" in Newcastle? How do they know?

Cat / Coffee Table Interface

Yes, and it's available from Here

Spotted on the too cool for its own good Curved White

Ortery Photosimile 5000

3D Photo Device £17,000

Connotations for:

a) On-Line Retail

b) Internet Porn

Motorcycle + Exploding Cigarette = Dental Work

On a slow news day one can always rely on the thread: third world; health & safety; comedy fag; and teeth, to present a fantastically usable piece of copy.

This story here at the BBC contains the phrase:

"We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes, so we think that this is a weird case"

Orphaned? You Are Now: Praise The Lord!

What is it about distaster zones that attract fundamentalist christians?

As the native population takes to the streets in an orgy of looting whilst the world looks the other way, those evangelists fly in and round up the local kids like god-bothered child-catchers, intent in whisking them away to a life of hygienic torpor in the bible belt.

I imagine the scene on the border:

Border Guard: "Anything to declare?"

Missionaries (posing as tourists)"Er; No?"

Border Guard: "What about these 30 children?"

Missionaries: "Oh My? Where did THEY come from? They must of followed us, the little monkeys! SHOO SHOO! It's our overwhelming goodness that attracts them!"

Every distaster presents an opportunity; to some it's a free toaster, to others it's the chance to impose one's values upon the helpless. Seemingly inevitable, but both equally unpalettable.