Harry "Administration" Redknapp!

On the morning that Pompey are declared insolvent, and thus condemned to relegation and the probable plunge into the depths of the lower leagues, it is worth noting that Portsmouth, like their south coast rivals Southampton and Bournemouth, have gone under following the stewardship of Harry Redknapp.

West Ham, the other club managed by the ex used car salesman, are potentially in a similar situation.

Will Spurs survive Harry's love of a big squad with extravagant wages?

Will this recession have a second dip? Do you feel lucky?

Animals v. Humans

So the lady got killed by her captive?

The clue is in the name: KILLER Whale.

If you're going to encase an animal (that should swim hundreds of miles amongst its fellow creatures) in a tank, you have to accept that it has plenty of time to wait for the opportunity to get its own back.

Meanwhile, outside my office, I've just witnessed a blind man, guided by a dog, waiting to cross the road. A car pulled up, and to indicate that it was safe to cross the driver FLASHED HIS LIGHTS!

Maybe they teach the dogs optical semiotics at guide school?

Dark Arts Corner

Learn to make a Microsoft Voodoo Doll at ChiGarden

Once more, thanks to Curved White

Oh My God; We're All Going To DIE!

And probably at the hands of a disorientated motorist as the Sun takes it's revenge upon us puny humans.

Yes, our nearest star is about to wreak vengeance as it wakes up after a bit of a nap, and throws out a shed-load of radioactive solar flares, which will tamper with our orbiting communication satellites.

Down here on Earth, this will cause Sat Nav Chaos which will lead to anybody aged under thirty being totally unable to drive anywhere because they have no sense of direction and don't understand how to read a map.

Eco-warriors; this is our moment!

Objet Trouvé

Bold statement at Wood Green tube.

Not only does this work reduce the traditional view of the Madonna and child to an elemental state, but it goes further to present us with a representation of that child, hypertrophic with precocity, prepared to challenge us by competing with it's own mother for the available space in a boldness that is not so much oedipal, than cannibal.

My New Catchphrase

I've been trying out the use of "Is that a euphemism for something, disgusting?"

So far this has been to little effect.

However; the Republican party of American are declaring themselves to be Tea Baggers.

"Tea Bagging? Is that a euphemism for something, disgusting?"

Dirty Sarah Palin, Dirty Dirty Girl.

When In Rome

As the Paul Gascoigne tragedy slowly continues towards its inevitable alcoholic conclusion, the BBC offers us his latest arrest here

I only feature this because it contains the sentence:

In December, Gascoigne was given a fixed penalty notice for being drunk and disorderly in Newcastle

Which begs the question: Just how drunk do you have to get to be "drunk and disorderly" in Newcastle? How do they know?

Cat / Coffee Table Interface

Yes, and it's available from Here

Spotted on the too cool for its own good Curved White

Ortery Photosimile 5000

3D Photo Device £17,000

Connotations for:

a) On-Line Retail

b) Internet Porn

Motorcycle + Exploding Cigarette = Dental Work

On a slow news day one can always rely on the thread: third world; health & safety; comedy fag; and teeth, to present a fantastically usable piece of copy.

This story here at the BBC contains the phrase:

"We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes, so we think that this is a weird case"

Orphaned? You Are Now: Praise The Lord!

What is it about distaster zones that attract fundamentalist christians?

As the native population takes to the streets in an orgy of looting whilst the world looks the other way, those evangelists fly in and round up the local kids like god-bothered child-catchers, intent in whisking them away to a life of hygienic torpor in the bible belt.

I imagine the scene on the border:

Border Guard: "Anything to declare?"

Missionaries (posing as tourists)"Er; No?"

Border Guard: "What about these 30 children?"

Missionaries: "Oh My? Where did THEY come from? They must of followed us, the little monkeys! SHOO SHOO! It's our overwhelming goodness that attracts them!"

Every distaster presents an opportunity; to some it's a free toaster, to others it's the chance to impose one's values upon the helpless. Seemingly inevitable, but both equally unpalettable.

One Of Those Art Gallery Moments

Letting Daylight In On Magic

Deep inside my cynical thick-skinned shell exists a simpler character that feeds on life's brief heart-warming moments; usually involving the animal kingdom.

When the fairy-tale wolf photo won the Wildlife Photograph of the Year award thing, I so wanted it to be true, however unlikely it looked.

Sadly it is not to be so. The cheating Spaniard used aStunt Wolf and is thus disqualified.

Mind you, anyone who has ever attempted to train a DOG to do ANYTHING will realise what a magnificent achievement this photo actually is. So hoorah for that instead!

How Great Empires Fall

Meanwhile, at the British Museum, we gain an insight into how the Aztecs declined.

Ultimately, it didn't work for Charlie Parker ; didn't work for Jim Morrison; or even Bez from Happy Mondays. What was the Mexican Boy thinking?

The Future: Flying Car Latest

I don't know how you get to be a professional future predictor, but according to the BBC there's a group of government people who get paid to do just that!

According to this Government Thinktank some lucky people will be able to cite their occupation as "space pilot"!

However, there appears to be no news about the flying car. We put a man on the moon FORTY YEARS AGO for christ sake, like; before computers and moisturiser for men were available, so what's the delay?

Apparently policemen are going to be arresting people for meteoroligical crimes.

Big deal! What's the use of that if they can't chase the climate criminals in flying cars? What a Swizz!

Vindaloo Revisited

Well, I got to midday and had to concede that I was not fit enough to stay at work, what with having this cold and all.

I therefore set the Out of Office reply and made my way home via the local curry house.

I haven't had a vindaloo for probably 25 years, since I reached a stage where I finally felt that I had proven my point, and elected to taste my food from then on.

Well, having decided to try one out in order to go nuclear on this damn cold , and being way beyond the need to show what I can do in the bad lad stakes, I can confirm that there is little point in a vindaloo APART from clearing one's ague. Why else would anyone elect to eat it?

And to think that it's what I ate EVERY time we went into the Indian.

Of course I was young and idiotic back then, and at least it was less stupid than getting a tattoo.

Or doing those stuntman japes for laughs which have probably contributed to my chronic back problem.

Got some great laughs though.

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport

As my viewers know, the Shoebox neither approves of, nor suffers, illness.

However, once in a while one finds oneself inadvertantly dipping into the illness experience, and although irritating, it can often be interesting.

For example; I began my day yesterday with 'a bit of a temperature' and due to the adverse weather conditions, and the failure of my employer's heating systems, I fell low yesterday evening and had a night of ague.

Subsequently I lie downstairs in a bit of a sweat and fell into a hallucinatory state where I had some unusual experiences, including the belief that my being had fallen down the back of all of the appliances in the room.*

I think my atoms were confused.

Much better today though and back to work.

* Many years ago, when suffering from an allergic reaction to penicillin following surgery, and having been awake for over 36 hours due to the itching, I procured sleeping pills and expected a night of rest.

However, this was not the result.

I just became very very tired, but found sleep impossible due to the skin irritation.
As a result, I had a series of hallucinations, including one where I was an Australian stand-up comedian delivering a set in a night club.

When I recounted this experience to a friend who had recently recovered from a broken leg, he retorted: "Interesting; when I was on those odd pain-killers I thought I was Australia!"

Big Chill: Latest

I appreciate that the weather conditions out there are going to have a detrimental impact upon our infrastructure, and that there will be disruption. Ditto, the temperatures are making life difficult, and things FEEL more unpleasant, but can everybody just GROW UP.

My journey was delay twice this morning due to passengers demanding attention at Finsbury Park, and then Kings Cross. The last couple of mornings, the platforms have exhibited "ailing" passengers with their hands held to their wan brows in self-pity whilst the rest of flow around them just GETTING ON WITH IT.

Why the upsurge? Obviously, the stop-start nature of tube travel this week has delayed journeys, and for some the extra 5 minutes is all too much. I think the exacerbating factor centres upon the 'special conditions' being experienced by all of us, but for some, it's a chance to grasp at that all elusive attention.

I'm not going down the National Service route, but I do fear how our nation will fare in a war.

So why have I just wasted two minutes writing about this? I myself can't bear my irritation at the woman, who on encountering the ticket barrier at the station exit, stopped in front of me in order to TURN THE PAGE OF HER NEWSPAPER!

All I'm saying is that there should be by-laws against this kind of thing.

Postman In Hammersmith Palais

Back in the late 70s, we'd amuse ourselves in the pub by imagining the KTEL compilations of the future, and the TV advert that would ask:

"Do you remember 'Anarchy in the UK' by THE SEX PISTOLS? What about 'Love Comes in Spurts by RICHARD HELL AND THE VOIDOIDS?. How could we forget 'Orgasm Addict' by THE BUZZCOCKS?

Well, guess what?

They're all here with 20 other fantastic punk hits on one GREAT album; KTEL's great new 'Fuck Me; It's The 1970s!

Yes for only £2.99! you can remember those gob-spattered years all over again!

Remember, this record is only available by phone, and is not available in the shops!"

That the counter-culture could be imagined as mainstream in the future was so remote that such a joke was actually funny at the time. It took Post-Modernism to wipe the smile off of our spotty anti-authoritarian faces.

And just when you think that the barrel has been scraped dry, and every scintilla of our radical heritage has been appropriated by the man, the Royal Mail goes and issues stamps based upon "Great Album Covers".

Now had they chosen any of Ray Lowry's Nazi cartoons instead of his Clash cover, then THAT would impress me.

London Grocery Failure

As Jack Frost increases his savage grip upon the nation, I have to say that there is one particular issue that is being ignored by the British media.

Those that know me know that I like to start the day with a banana inside me, however, I'm concerned about the quality of the capital's supply!

Unfortunately, none of the grocers in my neighbourhood understand the need to keep their bananas indoors in the warm during the cold snap. Instead they're left out front where they cease to ripen, go green/grey and end up manky.

I haven't enjoyed a decent banana for weeks, but I haven't seen or heard a word about this in the media ANYWHERE.

Fortunately we have the internet, and the truth is now out there; so let's see some banana action!