A colonial acquaintace asked my thoughts on next weeks Royal Wedding.
This came out:
Although I am no monarchist, I've never been too bothered to go out of my way to exhibit my opposition.
Some will feel the need to demonstrate their ire by phoning up the media and putting on a display of having a picnic miles away from anywhere without TV or Radio, to ensure that their protest is duly noted. It’s the modern way, and no doubt there’s even an appropriate Facebook page available to register one’s disdain.
Having said that, I've yet to come across too much of such posturing, as the dissenters are choosing to just get on with their lives. And actually, now we're no longer tied to old media, it's so much easier to live in parallel without the big day obstructing normal life.
On the day of Diana's death, the British media came to a standstill as all their resources were re-routed to re-cycle the same story ad nauseam throughout the day. The BBC received so many complaints, they had to revert back to normal programming to stem the tirade. My partner and I went to see The Full Monty, it was very good.
Back in 1981, at the Charles / Diana bout, there were a plethora of "fuck the Royal Wedding" gigs on the big day. In fact, it was at one of these that I met a future partner-to-be (but don't get me started on HER!). I'm sure that this time there will be a host of similar events, musical and otherwise, although (like with the Facebook thing) I am now too old to know where.
Basically, there are as many antagonists as there are enthusiasts, but the wadge in the middle who don't mind either way will watch it with everyone else, the way they watch the world cup final, or Wimbledon in a disinterested way, yet are reluctant to miss out on the goodwill generated. It therefore appears that the numbers are generally in favour; it's a party after all.
What will actually happen is the nation will unite because "it’s what we do best". We can't produce a world beating football team or Wimbledon champion, or retain a car industry, or function in one inch of snow, but we can do pomp. It will run like clockwork. It will be spectacular. It will cost a fortune, but as no-one knows how much, and couldn't care less because no-one understands just how big the recession is anyway.
It's a feel-good event. We'll never get a welcoming parade for the end of the war in Afghanistan because that war will never end. The England team will never parade the streets of the capital in an open-topped bus with the world cup. But we have our Royals;
they’ll do. And it has to be said, they couldn't have found a better bride. My God she's a belter!
I'm amused that the press are doing their best to portray her as the commonest of commoners, descended from lowly miners no less. This is conveniently ignoring the fact that she is the daughter of multi-millionaire business owners and her father is from staunch Banker/Lawyer stock, going back generations. I suspect that there was a time when Kate's mother was also well fit, and traded those looks on the market for a prize worthy of her own mercantile ambitions. Hence a dynasty is born, and now they have aspired to the very top. Millions in the bank today, and a king for a grandson tomorrow. The icing on the cake.
Anyway, going back to "what we do best". Did you know that Diana got the Queen Mother's funeral? The Queen Mother (literally, the mother of the present queen, who had been Queen previously, married to the king from The Kings Speech) lived a LONG TIME. There was a funeral arranged and budgeted-for, awaiting her demise. When the "Princess Whore" pegged it in that Parisian tunnel with her swarthy paramour, the powers-that-be activated the old-dear's ceremony and commandeered it for the people’s slapper.
The world sat in wonder as Britain put on a flawless display, inch-perfect and to the second, at such short notice. My partner’s brother-in-law, an Albanian, was in awe. When I bemoaned the event he objected.
"That was incredible" he argued.
"To achieve such perfection! In Albania we couldn't do that; you wouldn't be able to find the guy!" (
“The guy” being whoever was responsible for organising things, disappeared elsewhere in a dereliction of duty, up to no good. Not unlike George Bush with Hurricane Katrina.)
And so it will be next week. William will stand grinning, with his pasty face and male-pattern baldness inherited from his father (unlike his brother who boasts the thick ginger locks owing to HIS patronage). Kate will be radiant, and do her bit to sell tabloids, gossip sheets and TV specials around the world. Everybody wins.
Except the tax payer. It will be claimed that the income from this, in fees and tourism, will more than pay for it, although no-one will show any statistics to prove this. And no-one will ask to see them.
That's how it works. As the event escalates, the public get drawn in, and once the mass develops its collective consciousness dissent will be shouted down. Why would ANYONE want to spoil the fun? Why are there people who always have to piss on our chips? BOO!
It never makes any sense, but it always happens, and I think it's to do with our inability to do anything else. Royal events of this magnitude are the only thing that won't let us down. We're in our element; it's what we're good at, and we feel good doing it, because we're in control and we have the rulebook.
At football and war, the opposition won't let us win, (although we could if they’d play to the rules!) but there are no barriers to success at a Royal Wedding.
So why aren't there riots?
It's not a political event, and it's difficult to tie the Royals into the Global Capitalist Conspiracy because they are perceived as apolitical, and their money is so old that nobody can remember who died in it’s making.
As for our anarchists, they are just that; disaffected and unconnected from the system. They don't arrange anything. They rely on the G8 summits, or anti-government demos to create a pre-arranged event to which they can just gatecrash and take their photo-opportunity. Look at me; I'm the spirit of 1848! The Royal Wedding is not a protest march. There is no fuel.
There won't be riots because no-one will be bothered to turn up and instigate one. Those who do have the wherewithal are the very same people setting themselves up outside the city demonstrating how disconnected they are, enduring their dissenters' picnic in the Shetland rain..
Yes, it’s a travesty, but like class, and the decline in serving standards in pubs, it’s something we know isn’t right, but that we can’t be bothered to do anything about.
Indeed, if there’s one thing Britain does better than ceremony, it’s a crippling form of begrudging apathy.
Bah!
