Abbot: Parties Race to the Moral High Ground

Blimey! That Diana Abbot's caused a right old commotion in Westminster today, leading the parties to dig out any "members of colour" to demonstrate that the only way to assuage whitey is to show that a) they do indeed have black & asian representatives, and b) that the black and asian representatives care for white people too!

After her tweet in support for solidarity amongst the black community the Tories saw an opportunity to score points with the predictable request for a sacking.

However, who to deliver it?

I imagine it went something like this:

Advisor: "Prime Minister, it will be to our party's advantage to request that Labour sack this woman."

Mr Cameron: "OK, go ahead and write my lines and I'll make a speech!"

Advisor: "I'm sorry Prime Minister, but that won't be suitable sir. She is a person of race who has made a comment which is racially related. If you speak out it may sound like you're being sensitive, and possibly a little bit racist yourself."

Mr Cameron: "Blimey, a bit of a sticky wicket you mean!"

Advisor: "Indeed Prime Minister sir."

Mr Cameron: "So what do you advise?"

Advisor: "Well Prime Minister, it will have to come from one of the few members of your party from an ethnic background sir."

Mr Cameron: "Oh I see. What about Inky? Will he do?"

Advisor: "I'm sorry sir, that's no longer acceptable language, and I believe Mr Zahawi dislikes the term. However, I believe he's desperate enough to get on in the party that he may well do your bidding."

Mr Cameron: "Hoorah! Good old… erm.. what's the blighter's name again?"

Advisor: "Nadhim Zahawi sir. I'll brief him and point him at the press forthwith sir."

Mr Cameron: "Excellent! Can I go now?"


Next thing you know, the Labour party are on the back foot.


Ed Milliband: "Bloody hell, what's she gone and done now? I bet Portillo put her up to it. What are we going to do?"

Advisor: "Well sonny boy, we're keeping you well out of it. We need one of our ethnic people out there to counteract THEIR ethnic people. I've got Keith Vaz on Radio 5"

Ed Milliband: "Oh no, not Vaz!"

Advisor: "I'm afraid so matey. He can do the elder statesman 'she was mistaken, but she's doing a great job otherwise' speech whilst we find a black labour MP who ISN'T Dianne Abbot to do a more damning condemnation to show how we just don't approve of that sort of thing."

Ed Milliband: "You mean David Lammy?"

Advisor: "You have to be joking, he's just run for the hills. However, we think there's someone called Chuka Umunna who may play ball."

Ed Milliband: "Sounds perfect, shall I call him?"

Advisor: "Certainly not sunshine, leave this to the professionals. Just get on with your homework until we tell you when you can come out again."