For our foreign readers, regarding our exciting new coallition government, a brief explanation may be necessary.
Basically, David Cameron, from elite boys school Eton, has pursuaded Nicholas Clegg, from elite boys school Westminster to be his Fag.
Expect High Jinks!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Nude Latest: Turkey
First it was Volcanic Ash shutting the airports, now the leisure killjoy police want to stop us enjoying the first Nude Hotel in Turkey!
Admittedly, the hirsute Turkish nude is probably not to everybody's taste but come on, loosen up!
Admittedly, the hirsute Turkish nude is probably not to everybody's taste but come on, loosen up!
Friday, May 07, 2010
Notorious
On the day that Britain welcomes its first Green Party member of parliament, we alos get to read about the UK's Gay Marriage to End in Murder
Apparently, the convicted man;
admitted often beating up or trying to strangle John, 35, as a "means of relieving stress".
Come on, what's wrong with a glass of wine and a massage?
Apparently, the convicted man;
Come on, what's wrong with a glass of wine and a massage?
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Goodnight, And Goodluck
Nigeria's president has died, so meet their new leader:
Goodluck Jonathan
And in Nigerian politics, he'll need it.
Goodluck Jonathan
And in Nigerian politics, he'll need it.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Vote Wisely
A chilling warning from the Evening Standard, spelling out the possible consequences of voting Eton on Thursday.
The sight of Mayor Johnson cycling around London in a body-hugging "action-tunic", able to evaporate the poorer citizens with nothing more than a haughty, disdainful squint would possibly be a step too far!
Mind you, I'm not sure that dispensing preternatural gifts is actually in the Prime Minister's gift?
Or have I got the wrong sort of Superpowers?
Maybe Dave has the post-war Soviet Union in mind?
Or 16th Century Spain?
Yes, that sounds about right; Boris in a doublet and hose, sending the poor to certain death as doomed mariners vainly searching for El Dorado.
Be careful where you put your tick.
Dear Diary
Despite the damp and cold, the Shoebox has enjoyed an extended weekend.
On Friday, my partner and I visited the Quilt exhibition at the V&A.
On telling a colleague as I left work the evening before, he looked concerned and kindly suggested that, at a pre-arranged signal, he could call me, claiming a "Civil Emergency " to get me out of there.
There was, however, no need for this, as the exhibition is rather excellent. However, as one of the few males present, and walking around separated from my partner, I believe that there was an assumption amongst the women folk that I may be a little "light on my feet".
Anyway, just to balance things out, on my way home I caught Kick Ass at the cinema. Rather wonderful, in a dodgy violence-porn kind of way.
Then home to watch UP. I have been told that unlike Disney, who test everything to death, Pixar like to trust their own judgement. UP justifies this stance totally, and should be considered a surrealist masterpiece, although the fact that it is animation and Hollywood it will certainly never be given the credit it deserves.
On saturday it was Ricky Gervais' Cemetery Junction.
A nice piece of verisimiltitude, if a little unfocussed, although Gervais' ear for a good soundtrack is found to be flawless.
Sunday: Pet food run, via Garden Centre.
Monday: to the tip, where the staff were flying a kite tied to one of the bigger bins. Wonderful.
On Friday, my partner and I visited the Quilt exhibition at the V&A.
On telling a colleague as I left work the evening before, he looked concerned and kindly suggested that, at a pre-arranged signal, he could call me, claiming a "Civil Emergency " to get me out of there.
There was, however, no need for this, as the exhibition is rather excellent. However, as one of the few males present, and walking around separated from my partner, I believe that there was an assumption amongst the women folk that I may be a little "light on my feet".
Anyway, just to balance things out, on my way home I caught Kick Ass at the cinema. Rather wonderful, in a dodgy violence-porn kind of way.
Then home to watch UP. I have been told that unlike Disney, who test everything to death, Pixar like to trust their own judgement. UP justifies this stance totally, and should be considered a surrealist masterpiece, although the fact that it is animation and Hollywood it will certainly never be given the credit it deserves.
On saturday it was Ricky Gervais' Cemetery Junction.
A nice piece of verisimiltitude, if a little unfocussed, although Gervais' ear for a good soundtrack is found to be flawless.
Sunday: Pet food run, via Garden Centre.
Monday: to the tip, where the staff were flying a kite tied to one of the bigger bins. Wonderful.
This Island Breed
As we yet endure the winter that just won't leave, I wonder just who the swimmers were that the coastguard were rescuing in Devon yesterday?
According to my research, Devon had a temperature of 10° C, (50°F), with a Northerly blowing to add the appropriate level of wind-chill to suggest that it was not a day for the beach.
Can I reassure readers that I grew up next to the English Channel, and I can reassure them that it offers a cold swim even in July/August.
Therefore, May 3rd would not be my choice to start the summer. It would not surprise me to see some of those rescued were clutching on to ice-floes.
Yes, it's the Bank Holiday mindset: it's sunny, therefore it's summer. Shorts, sunglasses, short-sleeves and hypothermia.
It's the British Way.
According to my research, Devon had a temperature of 10° C, (50°F), with a Northerly blowing to add the appropriate level of wind-chill to suggest that it was not a day for the beach.
Can I reassure readers that I grew up next to the English Channel, and I can reassure them that it offers a cold swim even in July/August.
Therefore, May 3rd would not be my choice to start the summer. It would not surprise me to see some of those rescued were clutching on to ice-floes.
Yes, it's the Bank Holiday mindset: it's sunny, therefore it's summer. Shorts, sunglasses, short-sleeves and hypothermia.
It's the British Way.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Last Night's Task
Have you ever tried to put a sock on a cat's tail?
It's not just more difficult than it looks, it is actually impossible, like eating more than three cream crackers without water, or watching Simon Cowell without wanting to take a brick to his face.
Basically, the cat will not comply.
It's not just more difficult than it looks, it is actually impossible, like eating more than three cream crackers without water, or watching Simon Cowell without wanting to take a brick to his face.
Basically, the cat will not comply.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Mascara On The Move: Latest
My work's intranet site is advertising the services of a
"Mobile False Eyelashes Technician"
I'm not sure what mobile false eyelashes do exactly, but I imagine that a technician would be essential to keep them under control.
Or maybe some shady character was stopped and asked what they do for a living, and they just shouted out the first four words that came into their head?
Next thing you know, someone in comms has said "that sounds exciting; let's run a feature!"
Sometimes, a sit com writes itself.
"Mobile False Eyelashes Technician"
I'm not sure what mobile false eyelashes do exactly, but I imagine that a technician would be essential to keep them under control.
Or maybe some shady character was stopped and asked what they do for a living, and they just shouted out the first four words that came into their head?
Next thing you know, someone in comms has said "that sounds exciting; let's run a feature!"
Sometimes, a sit com writes itself.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What The.......!
On reading the Guardian this morning, I turned the sports pages and did a double take.
Father Dougal McGuire playing cricket in a skirt? Well, it's the kind of thing they'd have him doing.
However, this is not the case. Apparently a lady cricketer called Claire Taylor. Not a good look.
2011: The End of an Era
Did you know that Sony still make Floppy Disks?
Well they do, but not for much longer!
Who knew that the old format had so much life in it? Who knew that anybody still had the facility to USE them?
At the Institute for Historical Research, there used to be a 5.5" disk, proudly displayed at the front of the software cabinet and entitled "Ye Olde Floppe Diske" written expertly in gothic copperplate.
Ah the old technology; these kids these days don't know they're born!
Well they do, but not for much longer!
Who knew that the old format had so much life in it? Who knew that anybody still had the facility to USE them?
At the Institute for Historical Research, there used to be a 5.5" disk, proudly displayed at the front of the software cabinet and entitled "Ye Olde Floppe Diske" written expertly in gothic copperplate.
Ah the old technology; these kids these days don't know they're born!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Reclaiming Adult Space
A long overdue initiative from the Science Museum: Late Openings for adults where children are BANNED.
They've even roped in one of the greatest astrophysicists of all time!
I hope this idea catches on at all museums and public spaces; hopefully to the point where "children's hours" will be squeezed into the weekends and the breeders will have to cede territory to the rest of us.
Now I can walk around the exhibits without tripping over somebody's idiot brat, and I can openly shout out "Fucking Hell, look at that Fucker! Fuck Me!" whilst pointing at the wonders of the modern age.
Yes, I like the idea of Lates very much.
They've even roped in one of the greatest astrophysicists of all time!
I hope this idea catches on at all museums and public spaces; hopefully to the point where "children's hours" will be squeezed into the weekends and the breeders will have to cede territory to the rest of us.
Now I can walk around the exhibits without tripping over somebody's idiot brat, and I can openly shout out "Fucking Hell, look at that Fucker! Fuck Me!" whilst pointing at the wonders of the modern age.
Yes, I like the idea of Lates very much.
History Today
I'm disappointed to say that the shaming of Orlando Figes did not totally surprise me.
It is not unusual for our more talented academics to be vain, self-serving, and subsequently bitchy to their colleagues. If you're born clever, you can end up mistaken that it makes you superior to others.
Figes, despite a successful career, a marriage and kids, has never shaken off the air of a cocky teenager who wants to show off.
And now he has to sit on the naughty step. Bad boy, naughty boy! In your basket!
It is not unusual for our more talented academics to be vain, self-serving, and subsequently bitchy to their colleagues. If you're born clever, you can end up mistaken that it makes you superior to others.
Figes, despite a successful career, a marriage and kids, has never shaken off the air of a cocky teenager who wants to show off.
And now he has to sit on the naughty step. Bad boy, naughty boy! In your basket!
UK Welcomes Pope With Suitable Distain
I was delighted that the Home Office are planning lots of japes ahead of the The Pope's Visit.
Some may say that the idea of the pontiff opening an abortion clinic, or starting a brand of eponymous condoms would be inappropriate. However, given his church's record, and their inability to fess up, I think they should be grateful for every offer they can get.
Hoorah for the Civil Service! Keep up the good work!
Some may say that the idea of the pontiff opening an abortion clinic, or starting a brand of eponymous condoms would be inappropriate. However, given his church's record, and their inability to fess up, I think they should be grateful for every offer they can get.
Hoorah for the Civil Service! Keep up the good work!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Look, No Hands!
You'd think that the sight of a working man setting out to better himself would bring encouragement. The notion that a common artisan should seek self improvement through book learning has long been a fundamental tenet of egalitarian thinking , and I think all decent people would agree with this.
Well, you'd think so wouldn't you? Then you need to think again!
Yes, it's the Health & Safety police with their heavy handed rules and regulations!
They've found a bus driver who likes to read, and now they want to put a stop to it.
OK, admittedly he likes to read whilst driving the bus, "steering with his elbows while holding a small book." but is that really so bad. I bet it gets really boring doing the same old route every day, and at least reading a good page turner gives you a decent excuse to ignore the passengers.
I don't think the H&S people have thought this through. I mean, what possible harm could come from it?
Crazy bureaucracy!
Well, you'd think so wouldn't you? Then you need to think again!
Yes, it's the Health & Safety police with their heavy handed rules and regulations!
They've found a bus driver who likes to read, and now they want to put a stop to it.
OK, admittedly he likes to read whilst driving the bus, "steering with his elbows while holding a small book." but is that really so bad. I bet it gets really boring doing the same old route every day, and at least reading a good page turner gives you a decent excuse to ignore the passengers.
I don't think the H&S people have thought this through. I mean, what possible harm could come from it?
Crazy bureaucracy!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
At Last: Time For The Caspian Sea Monster
As Europe grinds to a halt due to the flight ban, maybe we can consider an alternative from our Soviet chums back in the 1970s. Let's bring back the Ekranoplan!
Yes, it's a plane that flys JUST ABOVE THE WATER! Brill!
Meanwhile, I was surprised that our rail union comrades at the RMT haven't taken strike action in response to the volcanic ash threat on the usual "Health and Safety" grounds. However, I was reassured to hear that the French railway workers were resorting to type, and that in Europe's hour of need SNCF staff have walked out disprupting the repatriation of hundreds of thousands!
Meanwhile, at Calais Dan Snow's Dunkirk inspired publicity stunt has been stifled by the Gallic lackies. Note: this link may contain bias which does not necessarily represent the views of the Shoebox.
Vive la republique!
Yes, it's a plane that flys JUST ABOVE THE WATER! Brill!
Meanwhile, I was surprised that our rail union comrades at the RMT haven't taken strike action in response to the volcanic ash threat on the usual "Health and Safety" grounds. However, I was reassured to hear that the French railway workers were resorting to type, and that in Europe's hour of need SNCF staff have walked out disprupting the repatriation of hundreds of thousands!
Meanwhile, at Calais Dan Snow's Dunkirk inspired publicity stunt has been stifled by the Gallic lackies. Note: this link may contain bias which does not necessarily represent the views of the Shoebox.
Vive la republique!
Friday, April 09, 2010
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Dick of the Day
On exiting the platform at Belsize Park tube today, there was some delay on the steps and passengers were stalled on the steps.
Was it a young mother, struggling with a buggy? Perhaps a disbled person desperately dragging their withered, enfeebled limps up each torturous step? Or possibly even an elderly couple, out enjoying their free travel entitlement at our expense?
No, it was a dick reading a newspaper. Not even a newspaper really, it was one of the free sheets that litter the tube like some daily environmental catastrophy. So there we were waiting as some DICK took his time up the stairs whilst he read a paper he hadn't even paid for.
I was all for taking it off him, rolling it up and beating him about the head with it until he snapped out of his arseholery, apologised and got himself a job.
However, I was too busy and settled for pushing him out of the way, French style, and got on with my day.
PAH!
Was it a young mother, struggling with a buggy? Perhaps a disbled person desperately dragging their withered, enfeebled limps up each torturous step? Or possibly even an elderly couple, out enjoying their free travel entitlement at our expense?
No, it was a dick reading a newspaper. Not even a newspaper really, it was one of the free sheets that litter the tube like some daily environmental catastrophy. So there we were waiting as some DICK took his time up the stairs whilst he read a paper he hadn't even paid for.
I was all for taking it off him, rolling it up and beating him about the head with it until he snapped out of his arseholery, apologised and got himself a job.
However, I was too busy and settled for pushing him out of the way, French style, and got on with my day.
PAH!
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