Cheese Louise! Live Thrills!

Just in case you didn't listen to the BBC News' blanket coverage the Cheddar Vision website, here is your opportunity to watch a vintage cheese maturing.

In real time. No really.

What will those West Country boys think of next?

Blue Velvet, Brown Sauce

On entering the works canteen (or Staff Restaurant as they like to call it) I caught a glimpse of what I initially thought was entitled the "David Lynch Menu".

It was in fact the Daily Lunch Menu, but for a moment I had to brace myself.

I imagined I was about to enter a grubby, morosely lit dining room, with a defective neon bulb flickering overhead it's few occupants, whilst a pasty woman with impetigo dollops out mince and mash potatoes, accompanied a low, monotonous industrial hum.

No change there then.

Evening Standard: Mayor's Alcoholic Tube Guru

A Statement:

I have never even MET a "Tube Guru", alcoholic or otherwise, let alone had one.

In fact, I don't know what a "Tube Guru" is, and do not wish to know.

What a man gets up to in his free time is his own business, as long as it only concerns concenting adults.

Statement Ends.

Cheese Louise!

OK, I've been lazy, and have neglected the blog.

This will continue as I am off to NYC this weekend.

Meanwhile the BBC have uncovered THE WORLD'S SMELLIEST CHEESE!

It's in France, naturalment.

Elton John: Proselytizing Homosexual

Well, that is according to the Archbishop of Trinidad & Tobago, who wants the queen of pop BANNED before he can cause an outbreak of bum-banditry amongst the islanders. Here

The Archbishop is showing a level of tolerance only equalled by English football fans back in the eighties.

Elton spent many a game, sat amongst the dignitaries, whilst supporting his beloved Watford, having to endure the opposition's fans chant of :

Don't Bend Down,
When Eltons Around,
Or You'll Get A Penis Up Your Bum!
(to the tune of My Old Man).

Give Paris One More Chance

Spent a couple of days in Paris via Eurostar. First time since 1984!

I wasn't there long enough to be scientific about this, but the French appear to have improved. Everyone I dealt with was perfectly agreeable. They also seem to be on top of the dog-shit problem. I saw some, but not the excreta-extravanga that France was twenty years ago.

David Lynch Exhibition
Worth a look, although bulked out with too many scrap-pad doodles (I liked the note: "Please keep Sparky in, I've just sprayed the lawn. Back at 7.30")
The only painting of note was "Bob is looking at a world in which he cannot understand" which could hold it's own in any collection.

Also did the Pompidou Centre (partially closed), Cartier-Bresson Foundation & the Musée D'Orsay (Impressionists)

The galleries were abundantly attended by groups of lithe young women, taking time off from their studies, no doubt sent to improve their soles, whilst their male counterparts were given extra PE somewhere else to burn off surplus energy.

Meal: in Montmartre found myself a Bistro of the old-school, with tear-inducing cigarette smoke infused with the overpowering smell of cheese. Onion soup followed by Entrecote poivre & sauted spuds. Listened in as a sanguine French elder listened stoically, as his companion, an incredibly STUPID Canadian blathered stupidly all night. ie: "I'm going to have the duck. The chefs here try really hard to do it well!" And no-one was interested in the exploits of his college rowing team.

I couldn't get into the slower pace, and found the pavements obstructed with meandering pedestrians, but I can forgive them that. Definately not going to wait 23years for a return visit.

Evil Cat Tyrant Gains Domination Of Universe: Picture

Well, not actually true, but imagine what you felt when you first saw that!

I have to wake up to this at 5.00am every morning, now that "we" have agreed to allow the felines into the bedroom overnight, to avoid them beating the door down at all hours.

This one paws me awake, expecting me to get up and go downstairs with him, so that he can finish the food I laid out for the night before.

It's like sharing the house with the kind of PE teacher who, on school trips, would march into your room at dawn, rip the curtains, and shout in their dreadful Welsh accents: "come on now, it's a lovely day out there, shame to waste it when we can go for a hike before breakfast!"

Why, you ask, doesn't SHE take him downstairs in the morning. Because he knows that it's impossible to wake her, that's why!

And the sly little bastard only bites me.

Just wait until I come home with a dog!

Inland Empire: Mere Lapin Din

In anticipation of my visit to David Lynch's exhibition in Paris this week, I thought I'd take a look at Inland Empire.

No film, however good, should be a bladder-rupturing three hours long, and this ain't that good. Only of interest to the Lynch enthusiasts, this is not so much an Art-House film, but an Art-Gallery installation. It would probably work best in that context; you walk into the darkened room, stand watching for 5 minutes and walk away to look at the elephant dung pictures.

They longevity is partly due to the dialogue which features pauses that you could drive a steam train through. Had Lynch had the discipline to lop out seventy minutes of the usual filler wierdness, he may have created a great deconstructionist movie.

Having said that, Lynch does show that he knows what he's doing. Just as you begin to wane he throws in a moment of brilliance which helps get you through to the next.
(Although this was sadly lost on the guy snoring in the cinema less than an hour in; much laughs).

PS: interesting that Lynch's trope featuring the wilderness as THE OTHER has been transposed to Poland for budget purposes. This expediency actually helps the film by adding a tone of anxiety in regard to America's post-soviet uncertainty regarding the import of East-European gangsterism, allowing Lynch lean directly on Kafka.

Liked the rabbits though.

Evening Standard: Football Stars Face Death Charges

From a distance it read: Football Stars Face Depth Charges.

"Hmmm," I thought "That'll make the game more interesting!"

Top Judge Is Flashing Pervert

Apparently, this off-duty Top Judge likes to practice a little sexual assault in his spare time.

I suspect it was the wig that gave him away.

Shoot!

So the FA have decided to punish both Chelsea and Arsenal for the brawl during the Carling Cup Final, under the reasoning that neither club manage to keep control of their players.

How either club should maintain discipline amongst their teams whilst a game is in full throb was not explained; however, I think that it may be possible, and this is how:

Snipers

Yes, each side has a certified marksman in the dug-out, ready at a moments notice to take aim and fire at any player deemed 'out of control', not unlike a rogue elephant.

This would improve discipline, and do much to spice up a game that is fast becoming predictable and over-commercialised.

And does anyone really have sympathy for those 'hot-heads' who consistently act the cunt?

Shoot the fuckers. That'll give the stretcher bearers something to do!

Table Football News

Alejandro Finisterre, the creator of table football, is dead.

Interestingly, like M&Ms, table football was an invention of the Spanish Civil War.

Equally interesting, Finisterre was one of the world's first plane hijackers.

Welsh Latest

If your planning your next holiday in Wales, why not try:
The Welsh National Wool Museum

Prince Harold Goes To War

As our third in line flies out to fight, one wonders which uniform he'll be wearing.

The Filth Continues

My employer claims that I am entitled to dignity at work. I should be free from discrimination, harm and harassment, and have the right to a healthy environment.

Then why oh why do I have to endure this campaign of smut thrown at me day in day out?

Today, I was receiving what was ostensibly instruction on the new finance system when my guide, on the other end of the phone conversed with me thus:

Him: "Can you open that link?"

Me: "Yes"

Him: "Click on the folder on the right"

Me: "Yes"

Him: "Scroll down to the bottom of the list"

Me: "Yes"

Him: " Are you into queries?"

I mean: REALLY.

What a chap does in his own time (possibly with a neoprene product, some spandex and a complete stranger from Tanganika) is his own business, but when they start forcing their dirty talk down the phone at me, well, it's going too far! TOO FAR I tell you!

I'm forty-nine for Christ's sake!

West Country Casual Zookeeping

I am always excited when our undomesticated furry friends take control of their own destiny for a while, as in this story of Parker the tree climbing wolf. I gather that he's the Steve McQueen of the lupine world, as he's not too keen of captivity.

Mind you, the Mee Brothers, who run an unlicensed nature park in Devon, (which sounds like fun) don't appear to be too committed to the concept of animal enclosure.

One brother remarked of the animals outings: "I think they are unfortunate incidents. They do happen rather a lot generally"

These guys are in charge of TIGERS for Christ sake!

Mind you, when you consider how stoned the average West Country inhabitant is, they probably take these sightings in their stride. "Oh MAAN, check aht the Lion guy man, he's like totally Metro Goldwyn maan!"

Madonna: Messianic Visionary

Apparently, Madonna wants to be like Gandhi, Martin Luther King and John Lennon.

If that Evening Standard offer below was still on someone could do something about it.

Official: Women Are Dirty

Hey, don't get at me: that's what the The BBC claim.

Apparently "The researchers said women's habit of keeping snacks in their drawers could explain why their desks were more germ-ridden."

That's the last time I accept a Ritz cracker in credit control!

Evening Standard: Killer Guns For Hire

I find they're the best kind, although I was disappointed to discover that it isn't actually another great Evening Standard Offer.

The free magazine wasn't what I was expecting either!

The Mobile Phone Overhear

Actually, sometimes it's good to listen in.
I passed a guy down the road, sat on his scooter with his helmet perched upon his head, shouting into his mobile.
"What? And what then?
The day after tomorrow, or the day after that?
And everything's going to be lovey dovey?
HOW?"