Why England are Rubbish

I was in a bar in Tulum, Mexico last year, watching football on the TV and passing the time of day with the landlord, when he asked the ultimate question that foreigners get round to asking Englishmen:
"Every World Cup, England are favourites, but they always fail. Why?
And I gave him the usual answer:
"The players are good enough, but the managers, chosen by the conservative forces within the Football Association, are mediocre and inevitably get in wrong. No shape, no style, no imagination. "
And ultimately, I could add how the English themselves seem to prefer their teams to struggle through the qualifiers, unpunished for their mistakes by ineffective opposition (whom England should thrash), until they reach the quarter-finals, where they raise their game only to lose heroically. Heroic failure, the English way.
We would have won, if only. We SHOULD have won, but we were cheated. At least we won the moral victory. Etc. (A mindset unthinkable amongst Australians & Americans)
But 2006 should be different. Why? Because this squad is the most talented in England's history.
So why are they so awful? And they ARE! Uninspired, gormless, directionless, error-prone: in short, a bunch of over-paid, moisturised nancy-boys.

Apart from the fact that they're all too rich to care, I think I've recognised the void between their talent and their inability deliver, and the wealth is something to do with; not in their club wages, but in their commercial activities.

Last week I watched the England v. Sweden fiasco at a friend's, having previous seen all the games at home, alone, where I've been sitting down at kick-off, then popping out for a spot of gardening at half-time, and switching off at the final whistle, to get on with my life. The Sweden game was on Britain's commercial ITV network, and thus the match was enveloped with ads, all featuring members of the England squad, flogging cell phones, beer, Nike, cars, you name it. And it struck me that every advert, with their high budgets and chic production values, portrayed our chav over-achievers as stylish and smooth operators. Brilliantly lit, with slick editing and moody scene-setting, they all take on the role of the Super-Celebrity, the film star in waiting; the style-leader in chief.

A) I wondered why they were being lauded so much BEFORE they'd won anything, shouldn't this wait until after they've brought the trophy home with them?

B) It occured to me that the posturing in the adverts—the virtual reality of an iconic status—was actually influencing their performance on the pitch.

This self awareness, honed by an ever-watching media (the "Wags" —wives & girlfriends—have competed with the players for coverage) has created an idea of success that is impossible to recreate on the pitch. Watch Beckham take a free kick. He'll stand stand there posing ridiculously for the cameras before he steps up, no doubt at the insistence of his sponsors.

They're no different than New Labour, with one eye on the tabloids as they turn to their PAs for advice. In the past, crap England sides have just shrugged and denied it, often reacting belligerently to critics. Not any longer; each member of this side has taken their turn to admit "we've not been good enough", and have insisted that they're going to make every effort to improve, stressing their sincerity in feeling the public's hurt.

It's left to Sven's side-kick (and God help us, successor) Steve McClaren to deliver the sound-bite: "we're just two games from a World Cup Final, three games from winning the World Cup!" I was saddened to here this repeated with enthusiasm by a BBC reporter in his own summary of England's chances.

So we have a situation where the players on the pitch are unable to identify the fantasy of winning the world cup, in terms of their public persona, created by the media that pays their outrageous fees, and the reality of getting out there on the pitch, talking to each other and taking responsibility. None of them has the character to stand up and take the initiative. Their pampered lifestyles have rendered them victims of an arrested development and reduced them to the status of adolescence, which no doubt explains their inability to tell Sven to stick it.

Can they beat Portugal? Well, yes. Particularly with Scolari's side missing crucial players. Can they win the World Cup? Watching the determination of the Germans & the Italians to win the ball last night, one has to say no. Neither team could be describe to be a classic, but the fact that they are TEAMS spoke volumes.

England to play well and lose. Probably because Gerrard gives the ball away.