The Autumnal Menopause Incident

Work has been a bit frustrating recently, whilst at home the constant decoration has been really getting me down as I come to terms with what seems like a touch of mid-life crisis.

Hence I found myself in Russell Square at lunchtime, enjoying the last of the real sunshine for the year, just walking, contemplating upon my life, when I chanced upon a falling leaf from a London Plane, which fluttered past me, the first fall of the autumn.

As the leaf gently descended, lilting upon a zephyr down to the lush grass, I paused, and taking in its rich colour I realised that this simple event, in all its autumnal significance, was presenting to me a poignant allegory for my time of life in some kind of poetic unveiling.

Then, as I gazed up, I was passed by this foxy young student chick in a skimpy, tight top, with her excellent cleavage presented for inspection, a sight that instantly erased every rational thought in my aging head.

What's my name again?

Ding Dong!

Property Prices Resist Climate Change

Yes, on the day that Sir Nicholas Stern published his audit on the economic impact of climate change—with the conclusion that any future government will have to consider implementing levies based upon the environmental impact of goods & services, including petrol and air travel—The Times chose to lead with a spread on property prices, whilst cheerfully offering their readers an opportunity for cheap flights.

The Tory press, taking the "LALALALALALALA! Can't Hear You!" approach to climate change are taking the easy route by screaming "Taxes; the Labour party are going to tax you for the environment, and will take away your four wheel drive, putting your children at risk!"

One informed commentator, ask to put affairs in perspective, proposed that the economic impact of climate change could destabilise the world in comparison with the disruption on the scale of the world wars of the last century.

May I remind you that back then it was the Tory press (and the Daily Mail in particular) that sided with Hitler in the 1930s.

Zombie Drugs Tried On Troops

According to to the header in this morning's Metro, the London freesheet.

However, I was reading this over someone's shoulder on the tube, and failed to read the small print, so I can't tell you if the Zombie drugs were actually tried on DEAD soldiers.

Oh yeh, wait until the insurgents have to face the Haitian Brigade! That's what I call a corps!

Bend Your Knees Ma'am!

So the Queen was unable to attend her visit to the Emirates Stadium (Arsenal's humiliatingly named new ground) due to "a back problem".

What could "the Queen" possibly have done that would cause her to get a back problem?

Has she ever lifted ANYTHING in her life?

One suspects that the thought of meeting a bunch of French oiks was too much for the old girl, and who can blame her?

Pelican Swallows Pigeon in Park

That's what it says here

The Harris Hawks aren't too pleased about it, they say that's their job!

Of Cabbages & Queens

I don't want to get a reputation for being some kind of court correspondent, what with two royal comments in a row, but I've had my attention drawn to this.

It's a portrait of Queen Elizabeth of the Britons, now at the Tate Modern, by American cartoonist George Condo, which the press are calling 'the cabbage patch queen'. This appellation is somewhat erroneous in my book, as anyone can spot that the resemblance is actually that of Captain Pugwash!

(Place gratuitous innuendo here).

Twenty years ago, when the Bank of England updated our five pound note with a controversial new portrait of a chubbier queen than that previously seen, my pal Tim commented that it looked like "the queen, but someone's stuck a cabbage to the front of her face!"

There has to be SOMETHING going on.

Hussars Survive Royal Visit

Apparently, the Duke of Edinburgh gas has paid a "surprise visit" to the cavalry in Basra today.

I understand that his request to burst out of a cake was refused, due to the state of tension in the region which has left some of the troops either shell-shocked, trigger-happy, or both.

It seems that senior officers were keen to avoid a repeat of the "Belfast Incident" of 1978, when, at the height of the troubles, the Duke—a keen amateur illusionist—arrived unexpectedly in the middle of the bomb disposal unit's Christmas dinner via a trapdoor, with a simultaneous "Flash & Bang" whilst shouting Ahah! with arms outstretched, holding his cape aloft. As the smoke cleared, the impact of the inappropriate gesture became only too apparent.

Fortunately for the Hussars today, the Queen's consort was introduced slowly and in full view, and the whole affair passed without incident.

British Intelligence Hedges Bets on Al Qaeda©

So our seniors continue to perpetuate the notion of a monolithic, centralised, Hollywood-style, terror network.

Obviously, to our sound-byte media, the Al Qaeda© concept helps to save time, avoiding the complications of explain the myriad versions of islamic fundamentalism.

This helps them dodge the possibility that the little pricks who committed the atrocities on 7th July 2005, may have been a bunch of home grown losers who, although inspired by world events, chose to revenge their own inability to fit in by gaining the (posthumous) approval of the Al Qaeda© types they'd been led to believe in.

What concerns me about this nonsense is that a British government and its civil service could allow itself to be so heavily influenced by the dictates of Washington; and particularly a Washington currently led by half-wits.

Yes of course there's going to be terror, and most of it in the coming years will come from islamic fundamentalists, some of whom will be British, and possibly inspired by the great terror scare of the early Twenty First Century (as historians will record it.) But will it be Al Qaeda©? No, they're only saying that because that's what Washington wants them to say.

Remember, for every Bin Laden would-be, there's an equally ambitious police chief eager to make his name too.

Daily Mail: "McCartney Hit Me"

Surely the newsworthy line would be "McCartney hit me WITH MY OWN LEG!"
Have these people no imagination?

Journalist is Enviro-idiot shock

Check out this wanker.
Apparently it's beyond him to seperate his waste, and it's society's fault.

Animal Round Up

So on the day scientists call for further measures to curb Cod trawling (fish update) Iceland decides to stick two fingers up to decency and sets off to start killing whales.

Meanwhile the British response is to open a statue to a dog with a nice line in hats.

Bort

Apparently

Iraq: Not Over

So according to the coroner, US troops slaughtered a British TV reporter and his crew, at the start of the war. Apparently his crime was to be independent, unlike the drip-fed embedded journos.

Even the head of the British Army has had enough: Troops Out!, although I suspect his choice to go public is more about being a Tory undermining a Labour government (he spoke to the Daily Mail), than being a man of the people.

Fantasy Terrorist Admits Everything

The forces of righteousness have made another gesture in the propaganda war

So the authorities have given some attention-seeking tit the opportunity to act Dr Evil in the "war on terror"
Apparently, this tosser has admitted to megalomaniacal plans to wreak havoc upon the western world, although the detail is a little thin on how he was to obtain the means by which this havoc was to be effected.
How, for example, was he to obtain the radioactive materials for the "dirty bomb".

Why would he admit to something he couldn't achieve? Why not? If you're going nowhere, a little delusion goes a long way.

I, for example, have admitted to writing a novel for the last 25 years; it doesn't mean I will ever get round to doing so!

Any prat can play the bad guy and gain notoriety the easy way, without killing yourself, or even taking any risks. Now he's a master terrorist. A bit like the nobody in Take The Money And Run, where Woody Allen's loser gets to be public enemy No.1 purely because he keeps getting arrested for being so crap.

By all means, lock him away, we're better off without him cluttering the pavements, but please don't paint this as feasible, as the logistics don't add up.

Back On Line

Theatre seen in the last 5 days:

Rock n Roll: good night out.
Moon for the Misbegotten: great work of art; Eve Best is superb. Spacey redeemed.
24hr Plays: curates egg; with two really good efforts (& two stinkers).
The Alchemist: really good romp, Jennings & Russel Beale make brilliant double act.

The Caped Invader

Now I don't think human trafficking is anything to poke fun at, and I'd be the first to condemn the inhumanity of man's inhumanity to manity.
However, it has to be said that news rooms have to be particularly careful with image selection when the picture editor having the day off, as this BBC feature illustrates.
At first glance, I thought he was some kind of low budget super-hero: by day Abdul Malik is a downtrodden victim of the white slave trade, but at night he becomes the Pink Crusader, sworn enemy of Turkish men with moustaches.

(Those Turkish joints are just down the road from here)

Or, ignore the above:

Take Two:
Hey everybody, take a look at this BBC feature!
It must be bad enough being cooped up like that, to have someone play the old inky binocular trick on you is TOO CRUEL!
Maybe he's the Turkish Michael Stipe!

Genetically Modified Crap

On October 20th, the British government will receive the report of the committee looking into GM crops, and the feasibility of "co-existence" with healthier forms of farming.

They're probably going to go along with it, however 'limited' initially, allowing the thin end of the wedge.
However, it is possible to lobby the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs and tell them that you disapprove of this state of affairs.

Write to

GMcoexistence@defra.gsi.gov.uk

You need to say that you are responding to the 'Consultation on proposals for managing the coexistence of GM, conventional and organic crops', and explain your concerns.

Do it, even if just to piss off the multi-nationals.

The School Shootings

America: caught between the devil and the NRA