Friday, June 29, 2007

Incendiary Device

With the two "car bombs" found in the centre of London last night, the authorities have the opportunity to play up the threat from the forces of evil that set out to undermine our very civilisation.

Interestingly, they're dropped the Bushesque use of Al Qaeda© as the catch all Bogie Man, and are citing "International Elements" as the source of the the misdeed.

Let's not forget that these cars did not explode, and were clearly the work of inexperienced incompetents.

I wish the authorities could be honest about that, and announce that, although carrying an evident threat, the vehicles were the work of amateurs who were unlikely to have any connection to a concerted and highly paid organised terrorist group.

Let's face it, any enfeebled git with a grievance can now, with the use of the internet, believe that he is capable of making an explosive device; but it clearly takes more than misguided enthusiasm to actually detonate even a can of petrol.

One good thing may come out of this: if every inconsiderately park Mercedes in the capital is now subject to a controlled explosion, we may see a little less congestion!

Monday, June 25, 2007

You're Talking Pants, Your Honour!

This is the kind of story the Brits love about America:

A dry cleaners loses a pair of trousers, so the owner of the said garment attempts to sue for millions but fails.

Even better: the greedy sod IS A JUDGE!

There is some speculation as to what the humiliated legal eagle should do now.

I know EXACTLY what he should be doing: attending court everyday with NO PANTS! That'll teach'm.

Case Dismissed!

Why I Hate Tories

A further warning regarding the destruction of this country at the hands of the unscrupulous "developers", who are wiping out our gardens and allotments in the south of England in order to my a quick profit by hastily constructing flimsy blocks of flats whilst the property boom lasts.

In Poole, neighbours with large gardens have been set against each other as speculators offer to buy the gardens for large cash sums in order to squeeze in 'homes' into what were desirable areas.

Now, Eastleigh council are selling off allotments

It's such a hypocracy that the Tory romanticism about a simple England, with its rich tradition of gardening and pottering around in sheds is so easily disposed of once the whiff of quick cash reaches their nostrils.

I suggest an around the clock sit in, with all sheds manned and garden forks at the ready, and a marrow up the arse of anyone who treads on the sacred turf.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Rivers of Blood

If you're thinking of visiting a restaurant in Baghdad anytime soon, I'd think twice about the fish menu.

Thanks to Iraq's internicine disorder, the Tigris is now so awash with corpses that the Imams have declared a Fatwa against the consumption of fish caught in the city's rivers.

Concomittantly, the fishermen have become Iraq's reluctant undertakers.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Wish You Were Here!

British immigration officials have been keeping up the resistance against foreign visitors, with their unique rational.

Remember the time that an asylum seeker had their application refused because the reviewer considered the claim to be "a pile of pants"?

Well, now immigration have been working on the tourist visas!.

Apparently, some applicants have been refused because they "plan a holiday for no particular purpose other than sightseeing".

Or because they don't speak English!

I'm not sure if anyone's been refused for not being able to make a decent cup of tea, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Ride A Horse To Work Day

Those chumps in the world of marketing have come up with another crap idea in the form of "V Water".

Apparently, it's "water with vitamins in it", for those too busy to access real food.

Their idiot friends in advertising have even come up with a slogan:

"You could settle for regular water, but then again you could ride a horse to work"

Well, actually, given the choice I think I'd rather drink regular water AND ride a horse to work. What a fantastic start to the day; and what an entrance!

And you know what they say: you can lead a horse to V Water, but it's probably not stupid enough to drink it.

Beckhams To Be The New Clampetts

Now that David Beckham has kicked the Spanish soil from his studs, he and his missus are off to Hollywood to become the New Beverly Hillbillies.

I'm a little out of date with the parlance of todays yoof, so I don't know if the Beckhams are Chavs or Pikeys, but I'm sure that their brand of ornate cheapness will be of great amusement to the glitterati.

Note: Victoria's the one who looks like a self-basting chicken.

Government Inspired Prison Break

Daily Mail readers will be horrified to learn that the government has chosen to ease prison over-crowding by releasing prisoners.

Why don't they start with the really fat ones?

A) They use up the most space.

B) They'll be easier to catch if they reoffend.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Food To Go

Apparently, "A lorry driver caught steering with his knees while he ate spaghetti from a pan has been jailed for eight weeks" according to The BBC.

Had he used a proper plate, some decent silver and a napkin, the magistrate may have let him off with a warning.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Saudi Blood Money

I'm sure that there are enough comments being made about the BAE Scandal, where two decades of British governments have been willing to slum it with the Saudis in order to secure those all important arms sales.

And, apaulled as I am at GB's status as the world's 4th biggest arms dealer, I'm pragmatic enough to accept that the income is probably the only thing keeping our National Health Service (the UK's largest employer) going.

However, can the government please start being more honest about the Saudis? Let's bang on about their absence of human rights. Let's draw links between their failure to police a domestic crisis and the concommitant export of fundamental islam. Let's never stop talking about the confederation between the oil-rich Saudi aristocracy and America's oil-rich ruling classes.

And let's persist in the idea that America (with Britain's support) is destabilising Saudi's neighbours in order to reassure the Sheiks in Riyadh that the House of Saud will always be the west's favourite fundamentalist arabic state.

I Am The Eggman

Those overseas may not be aware that the national treasure that is the BBC, admired and trusted around the globe, is actually funded by Britain's television viewers through the mandatory payment of a Television Licence.

It is, in fact, illegal to watch television in Britain without a licence, and there a few topics more hotly disputed across the UK than the "licence fee" and how it is spent.

Indeed, recently, with globalisation, and the advent of the internet in particular, some have questioned the efficacy of allowing Johnny Foreigner to enjoy the BBC for free at the expense of the native subscribers.

However, once in a while, the Corporation comes up with something that transcends even its own lofty standards, putting the necessity of the licence fee beyond doubt.

Today, for example, today, the BBC provides answers to your walrus questions.

No, Really!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Underground On Ice

Every summer, London has to endure the carping of fair-weather commuters who ask why our tube trains aren't air-conditioned like New York's. (NYC's trains are much bigger because they don't have to squeeze through tubular tunnels 300ft below ground, therefore have room up top for aircon)

This will undoubtably get worse as global warning increases.

Anyway, some snake oil salesman has conned them into trying somecrazy scheme involving ICE BENEATH THE SEATS!

Sounds like a good way to get piles if you ask me.

Anyway, I think the answer has been obvious for some time:

Nudity.

Yes, we should all shed our inhibitions and travel as nature intended.

In fact, I've been writing to London Transport about this every summer for the last twenty years; including photographs, yet have I EVER received a reply? Yes you guessed it.

(Although I did have a visit from London Transport Police once, but they just asked my name, looked me up and down and smirked to themselves before leaving without explanation.)

I admit, it will probably mean extra cleaning bills in regard to the upholstery, but LT could issue towels at the gates.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Evening Standard Latest:

"Mother's fear for battered baby"

Yes, it must be every chip shop owners nightmare.

(And I won't bother to explain this pun to our overseas readers).

Anthony Gormley: Blind Light

And so to London's Hayward Gallery to view the Anthony Gormley exhibition. The centrepiece 'Blind Light' is by far the most effective, being genuinely interactive. It's certainly an experience that will leave a lasting impression on anyone who shuffles through it.

It's a large glass room full of cloud, like a 1950s pea-souper without the sulphur, or the emphasima. One edges around in two feet visibility, vaguely aware of other presences, but not quite.

And I'm sure we weren't the only couple groping each other blatently within arms length of perfect strangers; it seemed puritan not to.

The rest is basic Gormley, which is pretty bloody good. If you can, go.

London Olympics Logo Can Kill!



Well, almost: it's causing epileptic fits at least. Mind you, I felt a bit woozy after seeing it for the first time.

Well at least there's a petition to go to, although I suspect that it's being signed by the sort of people that object to the logo on terms of it's supposed "modernity", who would rather have the visual equivalent of UPVC mock-tudor windows.

Meanwhile, the BBC has enabled the public to prove just how simple it can be, here, some of which are actually quite good; proving that the agency that charged the blazers at the olympic committee £400,000, were performing the equivalent of Harry Enfield's "I Saw You Coming" sketch.

Monday, June 04, 2007

London 2012: Shit Logo Unveiled



Those amongst us that were appauled by London's bad luck in getting stitched up with the 2012 Olympics will despairingly point out that the capital is already feeling Olympic Fatigue, as the disruption and spiralling expense alienates the population from the hand-full of middle-class hearties who will actually gain career-points from the whole shambles.

Anyway, now look what they've gone and done. This logo looks like the sort of thing a local authority designer would come up with. Actually, it looks like something seen on a 1980s shell-suit, so beloved of those who are now in charge of athletics.

Disappointing when you consider just how good British art and design is at the moment: this could have been so much better. But of course; the blazers at the Olympic committee wouldn't know that. They've always been too busy being competitve to care about aesthetics.

Tomorrow: Better news; Anthony Gormley's Hayward exhibition.