Grotesque Bournemouth

Must be something in that sea air, but Bournemouth's changed since I last rented a deckchair.

Warning: video contains local authority personnel in hi-viz, just in case.

Weather Update

As London enjoys its brief Indian Summer, with a much appreciated heat wave, there are those amongst us who are somewhat behind the curve.

A lobster coloured colleague approaches me, puffing:

Him: "Blimey, are you hot?"

Me: "Yes, it's a nice change!"Him: "I'm REALLY hot!"

Me: "Why don't you take that jumper off then?"

Him: "Yeh," (pause to think) "I suppose I should really!"

Equivalent VII: The Wickes Years

I did a double take at the builder's depot.

Didn't the Tate spend a lot of money on that?

Is it now on tour?

And was that Carl Andre demonstrating the Black & Decker WM550 new improved more versatile Workmate?

Come to think about, maybe not.

Spontaneous Combustion Latest

Meanwhile, in Ireland, the Galway coroner has had a busy week.

"Dougal, have you got the results on that fire at the old fellah's house now?"

"Sorry there Ted, but I'm at a loss on this one, and I've too much on to really examine it. Do you mind if we just spin the wheel on this one?"

"OK Dougal, but don't let it become a habit!"

There is a spinning sound, which eventually slows to a clicking halt.

"Blimey, what's the chance of it landing on that? Better tell the press unit to brace themselves!"

World's Most Boring Teenager Unveiled

Hey, remember William Hague? He was that dickhead kid that the Tories shoved on stage in front of Thatcher to convince the public that she didn't eat children.

He went on to become an ineffective politician, hapless party leader and now embarrassing foreign secretary.

Well, to prove that those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it, some idiot at the Labour Party conference has found Rory Weal (or is it Ron Weasly?), who is clearly unable to understand the point of being young.

You know, the halfwit in the playground that approaches the smokers and barracks them with "brothers and sisters, why prevaricate? Is it not incumbent upon us to aggregate our anger in a collective effort to shake off the cloak of false conciousness and storm the fortress that is our repressive yet complacent parliamentary autocracy! Come with me as we rise against the OOF!...Aargh!
Now now; let's have solidarity...Ouch, that hurts! I beseech you, don't you see that that's what they want you to do! OOOF! But I'm your leader, MMMFF!"

Someone give the little turd spliff for fuck's sake. It didn't hamper the career of Cameron or Osborne.

Can't Afford It? Just Do It!

It's curious how we can live in parallel universes.

For example, the business pages are full of how the world stands on the brink of an economic catastrophy, which our greatest economists admit that they're at a loss to tackle.

And then in another column, we read that the populace don't care, as long as they have credit cards, they're going to keep NIKE in record profits buying stuff they don't need.

Living the dream!

Beware!

South Bank: Urban Fox

Your Freedom = Our Oil

As the Libyan revolution/debacle continues to unfold, the Great Powers are lining up to grab the post-war spoils, and are manoeuvring to exploit the needs of whoever fills the vacuum.

Having poured huge resources into the NATO effort so far to ensure that western control is retained in the region, they now expect the quid pro quo from the recipients of this largesse.

However, it appears that the ingrates are a little more savvy than the deadly celebratory shooting in the air would indicate.

As the British government begins to show its hand by being patronising on one hand ("didn't you do WELL!") and demanding on the other ("don't forget who put you here") those pesky Libyans have pulled a fast one.

It's a no-brainer. The intelligence revelations exposing the relationship between Gaddafi, the CIA & MI6 were always going to be toxic, and any owner of that material would know that. Therefore, Washington and London could only hope that the current (and no doubt fleeting) leadership would not bite the hand that has so generously fed them in order to keep the powers sweet.

However, it's a war, and everyone can do perfidy, and the National Transitional Council chosen to play their ace before the dust has settled.

The west may be able to rely on 400 years on colonialism to know what works, but they must realise that by now, SO DO THE COLONIALS.

Last week it was claimed that the suspected killer of WPC Yvonne Fletcher had been found executed, "shot, possibly by former regime apparatchiks hoping to silence him". No doubt the new guys were aware of the expectations of the British government, yet were keen to end any unnecessary wrangling that did not advance the cause of the NTC. Bang Bang: Problem Solved. In the "fog of war" that's easy.

If the British Government had any notion that the Libyans would care a fart for Tory promises to the oil companies, then it is now dashed.

Curiously enough, give the Tories credit. Cameron has immediately taken the opportunity to place blame for the MI6 farce on the Labour party and the previous government! He may not have any ideas, but he's the master of the pointless political smokescreen.

Meanwhile, BP and BIG OIL will have to resort to their usual covert methods to turn the situation around to their advantage. And they will.