Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Reprise

You may remember that I'm filling my time by revisiting old tapes, in an attempt to preserve my past in the new fangled digital format.

Imagine my joy then, to discover that "someone" has wiped a considerable part of MY archive to compile the worst party mix of all time circa 1985. Despite the box AND the reel having MY NAME on them, and the words: DO NOT ERASE clearly written on the outside.

A whole phase gone, for the sake of a party that HE (and I know exactly who did this) has long forgotten.

I Heard The News Today; Oh Boy

Enduring my forced leave due to the "Festive Season", I get to lie in bed and listen to the Today programme at length.

I was amused by the feature on celebrity football thug Joel Barton, bemoaning his plight as a wanker. Give him credit though, he did get to say "actually, most footballers are knobs". Out of the mouths of babes.

Meanwhile, America's WAR ON TOURISM continues.

President Obamarama is angry at his "intelligence" agents for letting the underpants bomber onto a flight.

Now, I find it difficult to get too alarmed at a man who attempted to set fire to his Y-Fronts on a flight. Back in the seventies, Keith Moon used to do that sort of thing every week!

Come, ease up everybody, just give the man a gig at the Jim Rose Circus!

No, I'm more worried about the Terror Watch List that the president mentioned. I assume that this is a batch of explosive Timex's? Maybe at a given moment in time all of the Timex's have been synchronised to blow the left arm off of each wearer!

Obviously, given Timex's usual unreliability this would take place over some considerable time, but it's still likely to create quite a spectacle.

Fortunately, as a local government officer, I have never really had need for timekeeping.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Wild Thing

I was musing on the decision of Richard Hell to re-record an album from his salubrious past, as he felt that the original recording was marred by his over-enthusiastic use of drugs at the time.

I think we should consider this notion from another angle, and wonder if the work of Cliff Richard would have BENEFITTED from a liberal intake of illegal substances?

Get him back in the studio now; stoned off his box; "OK, Bachelor Boy, 1.2.3..."

Friday, December 25, 2009

Look Back In 15ips:

Spending the time off transfering old reel to reel tapes onto digital.

Sadly, some tapes have deteriorated and are relatively useless.

However, the biggest disappointment lies within one of the few masters that have retained their quality. It contains the only thing that I ever recorded that I thought was ever any good.

The tape has never been played before, and imagine my dismay to discover that the engineer has mastered the track WITHOUT THE LEAD GUITAR. I'm not talking about Clapton levels of virtuosity here, but it's useless without the key riff.

Damn you Peter Whatisname! And to think that I gave you my Korg MS10 on permanently loan!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

There Goes The Neighbourhood

Well you have to feel sorry for the lucky country.

Previously it was a plague of boat people bobbing up around their shores.

Now, according to the BBC

"Recent heavy rainfall in parts of Queensland has prompted large numbers of marsupials to flock to the newly green countryside."

Yes, the farmers are overrun by Kangaroos. They open their curtains in the morning and their pastures have taken on the appearance of a vast trampoline.

Disturbingly, the situation has been exacerbated:

"It is not only wet weather that has boosted marsupial numbers but also Russia's suspension of kangaroo meat imports earlier this year because of hygiene concerns"


Hygiene? What are the Ruskies doing eating Kangaroos anyway?

No-one's going to tell ME old Skippy is UNHYGENIC?

"What's that Skippy?; Destroy all humans? Oh no, Skippy, not YOU as well!"

Monday, December 21, 2009

Whiteout

After years of no snow whatsoever, we get it twice in one of the warmest years on record.

I wouldn't mind, but the tomcat is reluctant to go out and have a shit, so he's lying around the house farting all day.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Weather Update: Panic On The Streets!

Snow falling in London. Stop

Breakdown in social fabric anticipated. Stop

God Help Us. Stop

Rebuffed!

OK, So I put the Christmas Card proposal to my other half, and, do you know, she can be so NEGATIVE sometimes.

Turned it down flat.

Now she wants to go out for a meal next week.

I said, you name it, I could cook it cheaper at home.

She said, that's not the point.

I said, I'm not made of money and there's a recession on.

Fell on deaf ears.

Tsk.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Bah Humbug!

The Age of Waste

And so, as the Consumer Season (Sponsored by Coke) is upon us, and home owners across the country bedeck their property with decorations in order to compete to be the most wasteful household in the neighbourhood, I have been pleased to observe that the street on which we live is untouched by such environmental suicide, with one exception, the usual lacklustre display down the way that always looks like an annual cry for help.

I had hoped that the RECESSION that everyone seems to have forgotten would taken its toll on this nonsense, yet on jogging my route last night I discover that the posh houses appear to have succumbed to the nonsense, and that someone has sold them all identical displays for their privet hedges. Yes, in these houses the current events in Copenhagen don't exist, and everyone's getting a Jeremy Clarkson DVD in their stocking.

Economic Prudence

Meanwhile, this morning, I was musing over my partner's compulsion to distribute Christmas Cards to the neighbours, and naturally worried about the unnecessary cost that this would incur.

Then it occurred to me; just do one large card with all the names on, and post it in the house on the end. Then, on opening it they tick their names and pass it next door where the process is repeated.

We are therefore seen to reciprocate to all THEIR Christmas Cards, but without the time and expense of writing individual responses.

I'll ask her what she thinks when I get home.


Dream

Finally, I had a dream this morning.

I'm walking through this village, and there appears to be some sort of parade, and a battered old car rattles past slowly, followed by a duck, only a duck with little arms and a walking stick.

And I ask myself "What sort of village is this?"

Maybe it was the peanuts I had in the pub last night?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Dry Cleaning for Students?

On my post-prandial peregrenations this lunch-time, I passed the local Dry Cleaners who were advertising "20% off for Students".

Students using Dry Cleaners? What possible use would a student have for dry cleaning?

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick? Is it now fashionable to have the students themselves dry-cleaned? What is the position in regard to Health & Safety on this?

Is it a student craze involving whizzing around in the tumbler?

Has suede made a comeback?

I'm clearly out of touch on this one.

What Hairpiece?

I played my first gig in about 12 years at the weekend. It was just a village hall in a provincial town, in front of a bunch of people whose idea of a saturday night out is to visit a provincial village hall and watch a bunch of men in their 50s attempt to recapture their youth.

I bring your attention to this to state that my great moment of pride was in the observation that I was the only performer with a full head of hair.

However, as I return to work this morning, the harsh flourescent light of the gents reminds me that I am growing incrementally grey, with my only remaining colour retained in the longish bits at the top. Unfortunately, this gives me the appearance of A MAN WEARING A TOUPEE!

Either I go for the bootpolish look all over, or I cut off the offending coloured hair and look like a grey man who is preparing for baldness.

Or wear a hat permanently, like the bald one in U2.

I am not built for this aging process, it's ugly, and it's unfair.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

News From The North

I'm not prejudiced, as you all know, but I always look to the North for entertainment at the time of a recession.

Guess what they're up to now?

Well, according to the BBC they're shoving their little 'uns in the recycle bins in order to STEAL THINGS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THROWN AWAY!

Fantastic: can't wait to see it on You Tube!

Do they have You Tube in the North?