Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Shoot!

So the FA have decided to punish both Chelsea and Arsenal for the brawl during the Carling Cup Final, under the reasoning that neither club manage to keep control of their players.

How either club should maintain discipline amongst their teams whilst a game is in full throb was not explained; however, I think that it may be possible, and this is how:

Snipers

Yes, each side has a certified marksman in the dug-out, ready at a moments notice to take aim and fire at any player deemed 'out of control', not unlike a rogue elephant.

This would improve discipline, and do much to spice up a game that is fast becoming predictable and over-commercialised.

And does anyone really have sympathy for those 'hot-heads' who consistently act the cunt?

Shoot the fuckers. That'll give the stretcher bearers something to do!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Table Football News

Alejandro Finisterre, the creator of table football, is dead.

Interestingly, like M&Ms, table football was an invention of the Spanish Civil War.

Equally interesting, Finisterre was one of the world's first plane hijackers.

Welsh Latest

If your planning your next holiday in Wales, why not try:
The Welsh National Wool Museum

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Prince Harold Goes To War







As our third in line flies out to fight, one wonders which uniform he'll be wearing.

The Filth Continues

My employer claims that I am entitled to dignity at work. I should be free from discrimination, harm and harassment, and have the right to a healthy environment.

Then why oh why do I have to endure this campaign of smut thrown at me day in day out?

Today, I was receiving what was ostensibly instruction on the new finance system when my guide, on the other end of the phone conversed with me thus:

Him: "Can you open that link?"

Me: "Yes"

Him: "Click on the folder on the right"

Me: "Yes"

Him: "Scroll down to the bottom of the list"

Me: "Yes"

Him: " Are you into queries?"

I mean: REALLY.

What a chap does in his own time (possibly with a neoprene product, some spandex and a complete stranger from Tanganika) is his own business, but when they start forcing their dirty talk down the phone at me, well, it's going too far! TOO FAR I tell you!

I'm forty-nine for Christ's sake!

Friday, February 16, 2007

West Country Casual Zookeeping

I am always excited when our undomesticated furry friends take control of their own destiny for a while, as in this story of Parker the tree climbing wolf. I gather that he's the Steve McQueen of the lupine world, as he's not too keen of captivity.

Mind you, the Mee Brothers, who run an unlicensed nature park in Devon, (which sounds like fun) don't appear to be too committed to the concept of animal enclosure.

One brother remarked of the animals outings: "I think they are unfortunate incidents. They do happen rather a lot generally"

These guys are in charge of TIGERS for Christ sake!

Mind you, when you consider how stoned the average West Country inhabitant is, they probably take these sightings in their stride. "Oh MAAN, check aht the Lion guy man, he's like totally Metro Goldwyn maan!"

Madonna: Messianic Visionary

Apparently, Madonna wants to be like Gandhi, Martin Luther King and John Lennon.

If that Evening Standard offer below was still on someone could do something about it.

Official: Women Are Dirty

Hey, don't get at me: that's what the The BBC claim.

Apparently "The researchers said women's habit of keeping snacks in their drawers could explain why their desks were more germ-ridden."

That's the last time I accept a Ritz cracker in credit control!

Evening Standard: Killer Guns For Hire

I find they're the best kind, although I was disappointed to discover that it isn't actually another great Evening Standard Offer.

The free magazine wasn't what I was expecting either!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Mobile Phone Overhear

Actually, sometimes it's good to listen in.
I passed a guy down the road, sat on his scooter with his helmet perched upon his head, shouting into his mobile.
"What? And what then?
The day after tomorrow, or the day after that?
And everything's going to be lovey dovey?
HOW?"

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Duped, I Feel Soiled.

I answered the phone at work the other day, and was greeted by a salesman of my aquaintance who claimed to be asking my advice regarding a project he was carrying out with my organisation.

I innocently gave my advice, only to be interrupted down the line by the sound of his mobile phone ringing.

"I'm sorry," he apologised "can I just answer this?".

I consented, and heard the following:

"Hi, Tony! I'm on the land line, I'll phone back just as soon as I come off!"

Can you believe it? The dirty DIRTY little man was just using me as some kind of low-budget sex-line!

That's the last time I tell HIM what kind of underpants I'm wearing!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Down The Line

If you're not listening to Down The Line on Radio 4 you should be. Basically, the Fast Show people doing a phone-in. Fantastic, best thing on the radio.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Gung Ho? "We're in jail dude!"

Who would have thought that any of us would have lived long enough to see The Sun become a campaigning paper?

As the inquest into the death of British squaddie Matty Hull in Iraq at the hands of the American Air Force unfolds, The Sun has proven to be remarkably resourceful in providing the evidence requested.

Following the unprecedented anger of the coroner at the MOD's reluctance to make available an American combat recording from the killer aircraft, (the existance of which the MOD had originally denied) and the Pentagon's refusal to play ball also, Thatcher's favourite tabloid has gone out and procured a copy, available here.

No doubt they sent some teenage nympho into a Washington bar where the military nerds drink, and compromised some poor shit into nicking the tape, but if it let's a little truth escape into the world, who's judging.

If "our boys" are too come home in bodybags, maybe The Sun owes them at least this much.

(I also suspect that this is some kind of turning point in newspaper history, as the line between the press and broadcast media blurs, and such radical action, actually putting the forbidden tapes out there, has a real impact on events)

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Euphamist

(Actually, that give me an idea for a site)

So Monk wants "to paint the front door" adopted as a euphamism.

Well I only hope that you give your brush a good rinse afterwards!

(& Monk, get your comments working; why should I waste my own blog space to provide your punchlines?)

Thursday, February 01, 2007

It's the X-Ray Spec State

Thanks to the vigilance of The Sun, bringing us not only news that the police will be seeing us IN THE NUDE, but it has also provided us with an illustration of what the illustrator at The Sun believes that celebrities will look like if viewed by said X-Ray Specs.

No doubt the chaps at the Home Office are cutting out the forms at the back of their comics, before sending off their five shilling postal orders, before the agonising two week wait before delivery.

Which reminds me of one of my favourite pieces of dialogue, from Mr Don & Mr George, as they stand by the front door having just sent away for something:

"How long will it take?"
"It says two weeks!"
"How long is that?"
"Fourteen sleeps!"