Thursday, January 21, 2010

Letting Daylight In On Magic



Deep inside my cynical thick-skinned shell exists a simpler character that feeds on life's brief heart-warming moments; usually involving the animal kingdom.

When the fairy-tale wolf photo won the Wildlife Photograph of the Year award thing, I so wanted it to be true, however unlikely it looked.

Sadly it is not to be so. The cheating Spaniard used aStunt Wolf and is thus disqualified.

Mind you, anyone who has ever attempted to train a DOG to do ANYTHING will realise what a magnificent achievement this photo actually is. So hoorah for that instead!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

How Great Empires Fall







Meanwhile, at the British Museum, we gain an insight into how the Aztecs declined.

Ultimately, it didn't work for Charlie Parker ; didn't work for Jim Morrison; or even Bez from Happy Mondays. What was the Mexican Boy thinking?

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Future: Flying Car Latest

I don't know how you get to be a professional future predictor, but according to the BBC there's a group of government people who get paid to do just that!

According to this Government Thinktank some lucky people will be able to cite their occupation as "space pilot"!

However, there appears to be no news about the flying car. We put a man on the moon FORTY YEARS AGO for christ sake, like; before computers and moisturiser for men were available, so what's the delay?

Apparently policemen are going to be arresting people for meteoroligical crimes.

Big deal! What's the use of that if they can't chase the climate criminals in flying cars? What a Swizz!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Vindaloo Revisited

Well, I got to midday and had to concede that I was not fit enough to stay at work, what with having this cold and all.

I therefore set the Out of Office reply and made my way home via the local curry house.

I haven't had a vindaloo for probably 25 years, since I reached a stage where I finally felt that I had proven my point, and elected to taste my food from then on.

Well, having decided to try one out in order to go nuclear on this damn cold , and being way beyond the need to show what I can do in the bad lad stakes, I can confirm that there is little point in a vindaloo APART from clearing one's ague. Why else would anyone elect to eat it?

And to think that it's what I ate EVERY time we went into the Indian.

Of course I was young and idiotic back then, and at least it was less stupid than getting a tattoo.

Or doing those stuntman japes for laughs which have probably contributed to my chronic back problem.

Got some great laughs though.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport

As my viewers know, the Shoebox neither approves of, nor suffers, illness.

However, once in a while one finds oneself inadvertantly dipping into the illness experience, and although irritating, it can often be interesting.

For example; I began my day yesterday with 'a bit of a temperature' and due to the adverse weather conditions, and the failure of my employer's heating systems, I fell low yesterday evening and had a night of ague.

Subsequently I lie downstairs in a bit of a sweat and fell into a hallucinatory state where I had some unusual experiences, including the belief that my being had fallen down the back of all of the appliances in the room.*

I think my atoms were confused.

Much better today though and back to work.

* Many years ago, when suffering from an allergic reaction to penicillin following surgery, and having been awake for over 36 hours due to the itching, I procured sleeping pills and expected a night of rest.

However, this was not the result.

I just became very very tired, but found sleep impossible due to the skin irritation.
As a result, I had a series of hallucinations, including one where I was an Australian stand-up comedian delivering a set in a night club.

When I recounted this experience to a friend who had recently recovered from a broken leg, he retorted: "Interesting; when I was on those odd pain-killers I thought I was Australia!"

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Big Chill: Latest

I appreciate that the weather conditions out there are going to have a detrimental impact upon our infrastructure, and that there will be disruption. Ditto, the temperatures are making life difficult, and things FEEL more unpleasant, but can everybody just GROW UP.

My journey was delay twice this morning due to passengers demanding attention at Finsbury Park, and then Kings Cross. The last couple of mornings, the platforms have exhibited "ailing" passengers with their hands held to their wan brows in self-pity whilst the rest of flow around them just GETTING ON WITH IT.

Why the upsurge? Obviously, the stop-start nature of tube travel this week has delayed journeys, and for some the extra 5 minutes is all too much. I think the exacerbating factor centres upon the 'special conditions' being experienced by all of us, but for some, it's a chance to grasp at that all elusive attention.

I'm not going down the National Service route, but I do fear how our nation will fare in a war.

So why have I just wasted two minutes writing about this? I myself can't bear my irritation at the woman, who on encountering the ticket barrier at the station exit, stopped in front of me in order to TURN THE PAGE OF HER NEWSPAPER!

All I'm saying is that there should be by-laws against this kind of thing.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Postman In Hammersmith Palais



















Back in the late 70s, we'd amuse ourselves in the pub by imagining the KTEL compilations of the future, and the TV advert that would ask:

"Do you remember 'Anarchy in the UK' by THE SEX PISTOLS? What about 'Love Comes in Spurts by RICHARD HELL AND THE VOIDOIDS?. How could we forget 'Orgasm Addict' by THE BUZZCOCKS?

Well, guess what?

They're all here with 20 other fantastic punk hits on one GREAT album; KTEL's great new 'Fuck Me; It's The 1970s!

Yes for only £2.99! you can remember those gob-spattered years all over again!

Remember, this record is only available by phone, and is not available in the shops!"


That the counter-culture could be imagined as mainstream in the future was so remote that such a joke was actually funny at the time. It took Post-Modernism to wipe the smile off of our spotty anti-authoritarian faces.

And just when you think that the barrel has been scraped dry, and every scintilla of our radical heritage has been appropriated by the man, the Royal Mail goes and issues stamps based upon "Great Album Covers".

Now had they chosen any of Ray Lowry's Nazi cartoons instead of his Clash cover, then THAT would impress me.

London Grocery Failure

As Jack Frost increases his savage grip upon the nation, I have to say that there is one particular issue that is being ignored by the British media.

Those that know me know that I like to start the day with a banana inside me, however, I'm concerned about the quality of the capital's supply!

Unfortunately, none of the grocers in my neighbourhood understand the need to keep their bananas indoors in the warm during the cold snap. Instead they're left out front where they cease to ripen, go green/grey and end up manky.

I haven't enjoyed a decent banana for weeks, but I haven't seen or heard a word about this in the media ANYWHERE.

Fortunately we have the internet, and the truth is now out there; so let's see some banana action!

Monday, January 04, 2010

School's Out



Spent the weekend revisiting my home neighbourhood.

The apocalyptic site above is actually my old primary school, or rather, what remains of it.

They tore down what they were allowed to tear down, but never got to build the flats intended due to the economic downturn. Subsequently, the remaining building, a listed 1867 Education Act primary school, is being neglected, no doubt with the hope that it will deteriorate and become a dangerous liability which can be demolished to make way for more profit, home-buying opportunities.

Meanwhile, I went to football to see the mighty Cherries, who are second in League Two (the old division 4). Well I say I went to see football, it actually resembled an audition for A Chorus Line. What a bunch of nancies! How that team has sustained it's elevated status so far is a mystery.

Mind you, despite the cold, and the miserable 0-2 humiliation, we received a lift in spirits towards the end. One "surprisingly overweight for a professional sportsman" member of the opposition was being substituted, giving the home crowd a little comfort in cruelty. As he wound the clock down by waddling off slowly, a wag in the crowd suggested that he "Have A Salad!". How we laughed!

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Economy Latest




The disgruntled bankrupt remarked;

"We were able to see out the economic depression and believed that we were relatively strong in the face of consumer defection to internet commerce, but in the end we were totally unprepard for this year's penchant for slip-ons! Who would have thought that elastication held such appeal? God Damn Casual Wear!"

Friday, January 01, 2010

North London Tool Mystery

The population of an entire London Borough were shamefaced on having to admit that they had misplaced an essential component from the Metalwork cupboard.

The Shoebox eventually found a resident willing to speak anonymously:

"We can't find the Bastard!" he explained from his shed.

After waiting for the snickering to subside, he continued:

"That's the name of it, it's a Bastard file. Admittedly, it's a bit big for most work, but if you're going to restrict yourself to one all-purpose file, it'll do most things. However, I've argued for some time now that a half-round double-cut would prove to be far more versatile, but no-one listens to me around here."

When pressed on the impact of the missing tool, our man would only say

"The whole neighbourhood is strewn with burred edges, and there's only so much you achieve with emery cloth! One could suffer a rather nasty skin abrasion if you accidently rubbed up against an unfinished extrusion!"

Asked who lost it, our man was willing to speculate.

"I can't name him, but put it this way; the chisels always come back blunt, he never recharges the drill before returning it, and God knows how he broke the strimmer. I'm sure he's letting his wife use them; and that's strictly against regulations!"

Asked, why he didn't just buy his own tools, our man in the shed just looked confused.

"What do you mean, like private ownership? In Haringey? No, that could never be. This isn't Brent!"

Pushing it's luck, the Shoebox then asked the anonymous shed person if he had greased any nipples lately, only to be expelled with some force.

Blue Moon


That is: two full moons in the same month, 13 in one year.

Not another until 2018.