Last Night's Task

Have you ever tried to put a sock on a cat's tail?

It's not just more difficult than it looks, it is actually impossible, like eating more than three cream crackers without water, or watching Simon Cowell without wanting to take a brick to his face.

Basically, the cat will not comply.

Mascara On The Move: Latest

My work's intranet site is advertising the services of a

"Mobile False Eyelashes Technician"

I'm not sure what mobile false eyelashes do exactly, but I imagine that a technician would be essential to keep them under control.

Or maybe some shady character was stopped and asked what they do for a living, and they just shouted out the first four words that came into their head?

Next thing you know, someone in comms has said "that sounds exciting; let's run a feature!"

Sometimes, a sit com writes itself.

What The.......!

On reading the Guardian this morning, I turned the sports pages and did a double take.

Father Dougal McGuire playing cricket in a skirt? Well, it's the kind of thing they'd have him doing.

However, this is not the case. Apparently a lady cricketer called Claire Taylor. Not a good look.

2011: The End of an Era

Did you know that Sony still make Floppy Disks?

Well they do, but not for much longer!

Who knew that the old format had so much life in it? Who knew that anybody still had the facility to USE them?

At the Institute for Historical Research, there used to be a 5.5" disk, proudly displayed at the front of the software cabinet and entitled "Ye Olde Floppe Diske" written expertly in gothic copperplate.

Ah the old technology; these kids these days don't know they're born!

Reclaiming Adult Space

A long overdue initiative from the Science Museum: Late Openings for adults where children are BANNED.

They've even roped in one of the greatest astrophysicists of all time!

I hope this idea catches on at all museums and public spaces; hopefully to the point where "children's hours" will be squeezed into the weekends and the breeders will have to cede territory to the rest of us.

Now I can walk around the exhibits without tripping over somebody's idiot brat, and I can openly shout out "Fucking Hell, look at that Fucker! Fuck Me!" whilst pointing at the wonders of the modern age.

Yes, I like the idea of Lates very much.

History Today

I'm disappointed to say that the shaming of Orlando Figes did not totally surprise me.

It is not unusual for our more talented academics to be vain, self-serving, and subsequently bitchy to their colleagues. If you're born clever, you can end up mistaken that it makes you superior to others.

Figes, despite a successful career, a marriage and kids, has never shaken off the air of a cocky teenager who wants to show off.

And now he has to sit on the naughty step. Bad boy, naughty boy! In your basket!

UK Welcomes Pope With Suitable Distain

I was delighted that the Home Office are planning lots of japes ahead of the The Pope's Visit.

Some may say that the idea of the pontiff opening an abortion clinic, or starting a brand of eponymous condoms would be inappropriate. However, given his church's record, and their inability to fess up, I think they should be grateful for every offer they can get.

Hoorah for the Civil Service! Keep up the good work!

Look, No Hands!

You'd think that the sight of a working man setting out to better himself would bring encouragement. The notion that a common artisan should seek self improvement through book learning has long been a fundamental tenet of egalitarian thinking , and I think all decent people would agree with this.

Well, you'd think so wouldn't you? Then you need to think again!

Yes, it's the Health & Safety police with their heavy handed rules and regulations!

They've found a bus driver who likes to read, and now they want to put a stop to it.

OK, admittedly he likes to read whilst driving the bus, "steering with his elbows while holding a small book." but is that really so bad. I bet it gets really boring doing the same old route every day, and at least reading a good page turner gives you a decent excuse to ignore the passengers.

I don't think the H&S people have thought this through. I mean, what possible harm could come from it?

Crazy bureaucracy!

At Last: Time For The Caspian Sea Monster

As Europe grinds to a halt due to the flight ban, maybe we can consider an alternative from our Soviet chums back in the 1970s. Let's bring back the Ekranoplan!

Yes, it's a plane that flys JUST ABOVE THE WATER! Brill!

Meanwhile, I was surprised that our rail union comrades at the RMT haven't taken strike action in response to the volcanic ash threat on the usual "Health and Safety" grounds. However, I was reassured to hear that the French railway workers were resorting to type, and that in Europe's hour of need SNCF staff have walked out disprupting the repatriation of hundreds of thousands!

Meanwhile, at Calais Dan Snow's Dunkirk inspired publicity stunt has been stifled by the Gallic lackies. Note: this link may contain bias which does not necessarily represent the views of the Shoebox.

Vive la republique!

Dick of the Day

On exiting the platform at Belsize Park tube today, there was some delay on the steps and passengers were stalled on the steps.

Was it a young mother, struggling with a buggy? Perhaps a disbled person desperately dragging their withered, enfeebled limps up each torturous step? Or possibly even an elderly couple, out enjoying their free travel entitlement at our expense?

No, it was a dick reading a newspaper. Not even a newspaper really, it was one of the free sheets that litter the tube like some daily environmental catastrophy. So there we were waiting as some DICK took his time up the stairs whilst he read a paper he hadn't even paid for.

I was all for taking it off him, rolling it up and beating him about the head with it until he snapped out of his arseholery, apologised and got himself a job.

However, I was too busy and settled for pushing him out of the way, French style, and got on with my day.

PAH!

I'm Dead; Fly Me

You know how your grandad was always going on about how the only good German was a dead one?

Anyone who has had to endure the wonders that pass for Scouse company will know that on Merseyside they're keen on a good fat story, usually involving Liverpool and some exclusively ridiculous circumstances unknown elsewhere.

It is therefore appropriate that this story from the BBC took place at Liverpool John Lennon Airport (better known as Speke), where two German ladies have been caught in attempting to smuggle a cadaver out of the country.

Apparently:

Staff became suspicious when the women tried to check in the man, who was wearing sunglasses, for a flight to Berlin on Saturday.

No doubt security were concerned that the stiff may have been stuffed full of explosives. Fortunately the "Corpse Bombers" were apprehended in the nick of time.

Seriously though, the authorities should have at least had some sport from whole affair and let them past, just to see how they fared in getting Das Toten Fritzen onto the plane and into a seat. I imagine that the rigor mortis may have required that breaking off limbs in the execution; with hilarious consequences!

To your typewriters; your screenplay starts: NOW!

Mercury Rising

A moment of wonder tonight.

On looking west from the spare room, just after sunset I thought I saw an aircraft light, but not moving, a lone star in the early evening sky. Actually Venus, which tends to be bright.

Anyway, I fetched the binoculars (which I keep on hand just in case the lady over the way is 'displaying'*) and had a look at the bright planet. Then I notice a smaller light just to the right, also not flickering (therefore a planet). Intrigued I do a quick search to realised I've just spotted Mercury!

The heavens continue to give me a childlike thrill, and I always amazed to look at an actual planet.

*How do we know that Galileo wasn't just the local perv, who had invented the telescope for voyeuristic opportunism?

Thump Thump! "let us in Galileo, we know you're in there! We had complaints from the nuns!"

"Er, I can explain everything!"

"My God, what's this for?"

"It's , er, it's for looking at the sky!

"Eh?"

"Yeh, it's, er, it's a 'telescope', it's for looking at stars and planets and stuff, honest!"

"Oh, yeh, and what does the church think of this?"

"Oh, Bugger!"

Great Names of Sport:

Meet Charlie Sharples!

As in "Bugger Me! It's Charlie Sharples!"

Don't know if he's any good; he's a rugby player, and according to Wikipedia, he was born in Hong Kong!

Disaster Scenario? Make Mine A Large One

Nice to know that our men at London Transport have their priorities right when faced by adversity.

Avian Wang Bar Demo