Doing The Rounds, But Amused Me

Swells

I never actually knew Stephen Wells, but back in 1984 (Coal Not Dole) our paths crossed and we were aware of each other's work, and for a short period we lived in the same road in North London.

He died on Tuesday.

The Guardian remembers him.

A proclaimer of the old school.

For Your Information...

For me, the true King of Pop was The Corona Man, even though we couldn't afford his fizzy fare, and could only watch with envy as his effervesence-laden chariot parked outside of the Eeles' house at No.65. And where were THEY getting the money from? (First to get colour TV too, and he only worked at the post office! Makes you think!)

Corona Limeade was formative in my book.

Hoorah For The Prince Of Wales!

As a subject of the Queen, and subsidizer of the Royal Family's opulent excesses, I was delighted to read that the recession had not curbed Prince Charles' spending. No Sir! When he's not fucking up legitimate plans for new architecture, he's ripping the public off for £Three Million a year.

And he's REDUCED his tax bill.

Well done that man! I doff my cap and bow in supplication.

Feel free to spit on me sir!

You Bet!

Oh yeh, he lied all over her!

Dirty, dirty aide!

Thatcher "Still Undead"

It is with horror that we read that fascist sympathiser and former Premier witch Margaret Thatcher has broken her arm.

Apparently she is unable to salute like she used to back at the Nurenbürg Rallies.

Anyway, is with horror that we find that the hospital intend to insert a titanium pin into her.

Do these FOOLS know NOTHING!

It has to be a SILVER BULLET for God's Sake!

Duck / Paint Interface

Won't Get Fooled Again

Today, my idiot colleague, (who resembles late-period Orson Welles, which is a TERRIBLE way for a woman to look) turn to me and asked:

"Do you know if The Who have declared swine flu as a pandemic?"

Confused, I replied that I believed that Pete 'n' Roger were probably too busy out promoting the back catalogue to get involved in epidemiology.

Silly cow was talking about the World Health Organisation.

This, dear reader, is what I have to put up with.

Politics Latest: Sordid Details

A spokesman told the Shoebox:

"It was the excessive expenses claims for laundry that drew our attention to the whole tawdry affair."

However, when pressed, he would not be drawn to disclose any specific details.

"Frankly" he remarked "I was disgusted at what we found. We're talking about a very DIRTY DIRTY person here. Politics may have it's problems, but nothing like this."

" This was the sort of thing that you'd expect in the back streets of Phuket, or in a Zoo, or possibly amongst certain showbiz types; but certainly not in the mother of parliament!"

"Now if you would excuse me, I'm going to take a good long shower!"

Help! My MP is a Pyscho!

I'm no handwriting expert, but I know that this missive, purported to be from my local MP, is clearly the product of an unhinged mind.

If I am murdered in my bed tonight, take this to Scotland Yard!

Sans Paroles

Welcome to the world of Awkward Family Photos

This Weeks Favourite Tory

Say what you like about David Cameron's Conservative Party, but them toffs certainly know how to flaunt their riches.

This week it's the turn of the absolutely LOADED MP for Bournemouth Lord John Butterfuck who has so much money he keeps SERVANTS!

Mind you, despite his vast fortune, he has seen fit to grab public money to house the indentured labour in a Servant's Wing at his palace.

AND HE ADMITS IT!

He's gone on record claiming:

"The mistake I made was that, in claiming interest [from the expenses allowance] on the home, I didn't separate from that the value of the servants' … er the staff … wing"

See, you know where you stand with the Tories, not like this New Labour hoi polloi.

Hoorah for Eton!

Mind The Gap: No Really!

In all my years in London, and for all the occasions I must have heard the ancient recording of "Mind The Gap" crackling it's way out of the tannoys of our underground trains, I have never witnessed anyone failing to notice the said gap, that "between the train and the platform".

That is until today.

I am unsure what the fall guy was playing at, but as he alighted from the rear carriage at Holborn, which is on a curve and therefore has probably the most noticable gap on the the network, he stopped looked back into the carriage whilst walking in the opposite direction.

Now normally when tourists look one way whilst walking the other—and I'm assuming that he was a tourist due to the stupidity factor displayed—they normally walk into other people and wonder why the obstacles didn't do more to avoid them.

This guy missed the people getting on the tube. In fact he missed everything. Before our eyes he did a vanishing act as he stepped into the void. Well not quite, his descent was arrested as his face slammed into the platform. He gripped the surface with his available arm, and we noticed that his other leg was now scaling the edge.

He walked away on comedy legs circa Buster Keaton, staggering like a music hall drunk.

It was quite a first.

My Favourite Tory

Oh what fun, just as Old Etonian Tory Leader David Cameron starts working overtime to show that he's in control of the party, and that it's not really a club for rich privileged snobs, and that the electorate should believe him, really, we're different, we're like you now; Conservative MP Anthony Steen gets caught claiming £87,729 of public money for a variety of services including the care of 500 trees at his Devon property!

When confronted for his abject greed accuses the public of jealousy because he has A VERY VERY LARGE HOUSE.

He also blames the Labour government for introducing the Freedom of Information act which enabled the great unwashed to find out what he was up to.

If you haven't heard it, check it out; it contains the priceless phrase:

"What right does the public have to interfere in my public life?"

Yes, the living embodiment of everything the Tories stand for.

Catholic Church Evades Responsibility

Just as parliament comes to terms with the fact that it can't live outside the law, just because that's always been the case until now, the Catholic Church sidesteps the moral imperative and undermines any pretence that it has any other purpose than to perpetuate misery upon it's community.

In Ireland, a commission report into abuse at schools run by the Church has basically reiterated the common knowledge that the Nuns and their psychotic Brethren have been brutal and sadistic without censure.

However, in this BBC bulletin, it is made clear that:

"The findings will not be used for criminal prosecutions - in part because the Christian Brothers successfully sued the commission in 2004 to keep the identities of all of its members, dead or alive, unnamed in the report."

That's right, in 2009 it's possible to be revealed to be a bunch of malicious child abusers and walk away with impunity.

I'm sorry that I don't believe there's a hell for these people.

That's, Err, Lovely, Thanks?

My partner once employed a chef whose prime ambition was to escape the kitchen and to become a food photographer.

He enthused about just how difficult it was to photograph food well, and how much cheating went on to make a dish look succulent and delicious.

If you didn't cheat, then the food tended to look like shit, as the camera had a habit of lying.

This is a lesson awaiting the producer of Recipes for a working girl who, apart from the dubious nomenclature, really could try cheating at photography a little harder if she wants people to try the recipes.

The spinach dip (pictured) is all a little TOO redolent of the farmyard for my comfort.

Super Mario Finally Defeated

Velupillai Prabhakaran, the tormentor of Sri Lanka and unofficial representative of the beleaguered Tamils has perished.

Standing in front of that target could not have helped.

Downing Street HiFi Latest

There was a period of panic at No. 10 this morning, when current tenant Gordon Brown had a scare with his 1970s vintage Wharfedale W70s.

"I put on the Arctic Monkey's Favourite Worst Nightmare and heard a bad rattle in the mid-region. I actually thought I'd blown my 12" Woofer!" spoke a relieved Prime Minister.

"Fortunately, it only turned out to be the cone had worked itself loose!"

He continued to praise his vintage speakers;

"I've had them since college, and I've never had any trouble with them, Zeppelin, Black Flag, Leftfield, you name it!
However, I haven't really turned them up since Ed Balls and I had our Lee Perry all-nighter.
That was a great night; Mr Darling next door sent the police round. Well, I say SENT. He just came out in his pyjamas and told PC Plod on the doorstep to have words. Ballsy and me just pretended we weren't in; it was a right laugh! Anyway, it's always the skank stuff that does for the components, so I should have known better!"

It is understood that the sound system is now back in full working order, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer Alastair Darling confirmed that he was unable to work this afternoon as his neighbour has obviously just borrowed Jack Straw's new N.W.A. box set.

Guardian: Unsung Hero

I've been carrying round a copy of the Guardian around with me for a few days, and have only just got round to reading about Heather Brooke who effectively did all the work on the Freedom of Information Act disclosures which confirmed that MPs are a bunch of venal liars.

I'm not shocked by the revelations, as I always assumed this to be the case.

This was confirmed by parliament's willingness to introduce the Freedom of Information Act, but adamantly strove to keep themselves exempt from it.

That they eventually failed to do so at least gives us hope in the democratic project.

The article linked is worth reading, and it's disappointing that Brooke's good work was scooped by a leak to the Daily Telegraph which denied her the credit for five years' hard work. It's also worth running with the speculation that parliament itself, or it's loyal civil service, leaked the data in order to deny Brooke the reward.