I Feel Like A Gnu Man

If the British Press is to believed, the country is obsessed with the reappearance of the "Canoe Man", who, having faked his own death, has apparently been off around the world with his conniving wife spending other people's money. And now he has chosen to return home, only to face arrest. This is almost certainly because, as a debtor, a) he has spent all the ill-gotten gains, and b) he probably needs free health care unavailable in Panama.

My only opinion is that it would be a better story had he been known as the Gnu Man, who was last seen alive going out on his Gnu, never to be seen again, with his Gnu turning up unaccompanied several days later, found nibbling the hard shoulder of the Doncaster by-pass.

Or, if the Press would take a more robust approach to relating the tale. Try this:

"Mr Darwin, having settled in South America, managed to keep his guilty secret to himself. He had always enjoyed the company of sailors, and liked to hang around the quayside, where he purchased a new canoe.
"There was only one thing he loved more than that canoe" confessed a friend "and that was to take it up the Orinoco!".

You see, you want to know more already.