Forfar Five, Fife Four!

"I'm afraid this isn't the first time"
Stated Mayor Boris' doctor and apologist, Dr. Leo Spaceman:

"Mr Johnson gets on his bike in the morning and cycles off into the city without his medication and then THIS sort of thing happens!"

Well, today it occurred on the "meet the forces" special, where a deluded Boris was introduced to a military policeman, whom the Mayor was convinced was about to arrest him for desertion.

Bizarrely, this brought on a tirade of alliteration rooted on the letter F.

Such hasn't been heard since the Findus fish finger food factory foreclosure furore.

"Fi, facetious facultative factotum!" he cried, before instructing the bemused guard to "fly, feckless, foul-faced, far-fetched false-friend, for featherweights fear fancy-free foppish fiends!"

He continued to further accuse the MP of being a "fallacious fat fool", who was "formless, filthy, fraudulent, farinaceous and foolhardy" and a "fervent Fauvist!"

After fast-forwarding through Fairy; Flittermouse; Falderal;Fugatious and Fey, Boris eventually bid "Farewell" before escaping up a chimney.

Later, Dr Spaceman explained:

"It all goes back to Mr Johnson's schooldays. Boris once did poorly in an exam, as he could not think of the bon mot, yet was denied the use of a dictionary.

Following a beating from his house master with clown shoe, Boris vowed that it would never happen again, and prior to the next test, sat up all night with a crate of Lucozade and a Dictionary and committed the lot to memory.

He passed the exam, but I'm afraid the consequence was the shambling mess you see today!"

Adding for prurience:

And as for the alliteration, the last incident involved the Ancient Guild Mole Skinners and featured all of the L - words. It was a nasty business which left him with a seriously bruised tongue!"

Mr Johnson is still at large.