Today didn't start too well, and the job has been a little bit pointless recently.
Then, today, I find that my inbox includes and invitation to attend a "residential ventilation seminar".
Yes, a residential ventilation seminar!
Is this what my life has come to?
Maybe it's time to consider the tranquilisers/scotch cocktail.
Help yourself to my effects
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
To Hell In A HandCart!
OK everybody: there's a recession on!
Except in Northamptonshire, where they have nothing better to do than go round some old lady's house and measure the volume of a cat's purr.
OK, fair enough; if that's what you want to do with your life, let them get on with it, but witnesses inlcuded:
Daventry MP Chris Heaton-Harris, veterinary nurse Kaye James, Diana Johnson from Cats Protection, and British Airways captain Alisdair Tait.
A Member of Parliament and an Airline pilot attended a purring contest?
I'm sorry, but shouldn't they be elsewhere? You know: at work?
Maybe they're they are unemployed already? Possibly this is the future of unemployment?
I obviously know nothing anymore!
Except in Northamptonshire, where they have nothing better to do than go round some old lady's house and measure the volume of a cat's purr.
OK, fair enough; if that's what you want to do with your life, let them get on with it, but witnesses inlcuded:
Daventry MP Chris Heaton-Harris, veterinary nurse Kaye James, Diana Johnson from Cats Protection, and British Airways captain Alisdair Tait.
A Member of Parliament and an Airline pilot attended a purring contest?
I'm sorry, but shouldn't they be elsewhere? You know: at work?
Maybe they're they are unemployed already? Possibly this is the future of unemployment?
I obviously know nothing anymore!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Fukashima!
Whilst the world is gawping at the internicine fighting in the middle east (masquerading as democratic reform) Japan is drowning in radioactive liquid!
Apparently, according to the BBC, water leaking on the sight of the Fukashima nuclear plant is the most contaminated to be found at the plant so far, exceeding 1,000 millisieverts per hour.
(According to the internet a Sievert is a unit of radiation, and not one of those furry creatures that pooh coffee; that's a Civet).
Anyway, there was a moment of light relief, when Tepco , the hapless contractor in charge of the meltdown, originally claimed that radiation levels at reactor No 2 were 10 million times higher than normal. Imagine our relief when then realised their mistake and downsized it to a mere 100,000!
Phew, you had us there!
I also like the way that the "experts" interviewed to fill airtime on the subject are all nuclear industry people who have the look of "oh my god, I'm going to be unemployed!" about them. It doesn't help that they keep reiterating the mantra that this isn't another Chernobyl, MERELY another Three Mile Island.
Oh, that's all right then.
I think we need to keep watching Japan whilst that thing is slow burrowing it's way through the Earth towards us, and possibly emerging to wipe out the Middle East for once and for all!
Apparently, according to the BBC, water leaking on the sight of the Fukashima nuclear plant is the most contaminated to be found at the plant so far, exceeding 1,000 millisieverts per hour.
(According to the internet a Sievert is a unit of radiation, and not one of those furry creatures that pooh coffee; that's a Civet).
Anyway, there was a moment of light relief, when Tepco , the hapless contractor in charge of the meltdown, originally claimed that radiation levels at reactor No 2 were 10 million times higher than normal. Imagine our relief when then realised their mistake and downsized it to a mere 100,000!
Phew, you had us there!
I also like the way that the "experts" interviewed to fill airtime on the subject are all nuclear industry people who have the look of "oh my god, I'm going to be unemployed!" about them. It doesn't help that they keep reiterating the mantra that this isn't another Chernobyl, MERELY another Three Mile Island.
Oh, that's all right then.
I think we need to keep watching Japan whilst that thing is slow burrowing it's way through the Earth towards us, and possibly emerging to wipe out the Middle East for once and for all!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Gadzooks! Fetch My Cape!
London Underground are prepared to roll out wi-fi on the tube.
Boris Johnson is all for it:
"The roll out will finally allow Londoners to use mobile devices to pick up their e-mails and stay in touch with the world while they traverse our subterranean network."
Yes, our Mayor uses phrases like "traverse our subterranean network"!
Boris Johnson is all for it:
Yes, our Mayor uses phrases like "traverse our subterranean network"!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I Visit Third World At Post Office!
It's been a long time since I had to queue to claim benefits. The last time I claimed dole was 1978, and the final time I "signed on" as unemployed (although untitled to dole) was 1988, when I went to the social security office in Lewisham, where I was the only claimant who wasn't Irish, black or tattooed; and yes, there were some who qualified for all three.
I mention this as I realised how long it has been since I experienced the deprivation and soul destruction that is the long wait to have you number called amongst the hoi polloi.
This line of thought was triggered by a visit to the Post Office in Camden Town, where there is some cruel and unnecessary experiment taking place. You cannot queue in this post office, you have to get a ticket. There are four categories of ticket: Business, Special Delivery, Currency Exchange and Counter Services each with its own numbering system.
You take a ticket, and then wait for when your number comes up. And you wait. And wait.
There are seats provided, but they are full of the crazed, the local indolent and the elderly despondent.
I did the calculation: time to process one person times the number of tickets waiting, divided by the counters available. Ten minutes?
But what is this? People with Business tickets are prioritised! If a business ticket appears on the display board, it becomes the next number at the next available counter. Three business tickets means you just went backwards by three places! Then it is realised that the same applies for Currency tickets!
At least in the time now available, I was able to go back out to the high street and buy a) some tea, milk and bananas, b) a book (Seized, by Max Hardberger) and c) a cake.
On returning, my number was fifth in line to be served. I still had to wait ten minutes.
And the piece de resistance?
Twenty minutes plus after first encountering the squalor, I was finally served; albeit efficiently, but only to find the teller offering to sell me car insurance!
Royal Mail staff are being asked to sell car insurance to people who have been held against their will in a conditions that would appal a Mombassan prison guard!
How does that work? Is this what we've come to?
Now had I been offered euthanasia....
I mention this as I realised how long it has been since I experienced the deprivation and soul destruction that is the long wait to have you number called amongst the hoi polloi.
This line of thought was triggered by a visit to the Post Office in Camden Town, where there is some cruel and unnecessary experiment taking place. You cannot queue in this post office, you have to get a ticket. There are four categories of ticket: Business, Special Delivery, Currency Exchange and Counter Services each with its own numbering system.
You take a ticket, and then wait for when your number comes up. And you wait. And wait.
There are seats provided, but they are full of the crazed, the local indolent and the elderly despondent.
I did the calculation: time to process one person times the number of tickets waiting, divided by the counters available. Ten minutes?
But what is this? People with Business tickets are prioritised! If a business ticket appears on the display board, it becomes the next number at the next available counter. Three business tickets means you just went backwards by three places! Then it is realised that the same applies for Currency tickets!
At least in the time now available, I was able to go back out to the high street and buy a) some tea, milk and bananas, b) a book (Seized, by Max Hardberger) and c) a cake.
On returning, my number was fifth in line to be served. I still had to wait ten minutes.
And the piece de resistance?
Twenty minutes plus after first encountering the squalor, I was finally served; albeit efficiently, but only to find the teller offering to sell me car insurance!
Royal Mail staff are being asked to sell car insurance to people who have been held against their will in a conditions that would appal a Mombassan prison guard!
How does that work? Is this what we've come to?
Now had I been offered euthanasia....
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Richard Ayoade's Submarine
I can thoroughly recommend Submarine; provincial teenage existentialism encapsulated.Actually,I can imagine that the younger audiences may find it a little difficult to sit through due to the cringe factor.
One note: does suffer from the poor light that blights most British Films.
The BIG News Stories
In a week where there is an abundance of news, with nuclear meltdowns, all out war in the Middle East and the chancellor's budget intentions, it's nice to know that the BBC is still able to run stories featuring the phrases booze apocalypse and sodomy ad ban
Blimey!
Blimey!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Did You Know?
Did you know that the raunchy French sex-hit of the 1960s "J'Taime", was originally an advert for cigarettes called "Gitanes"?
Basically, it was the same music, but instead of the sultry moaning of the young chanteause Jane Birkin, it featured the tobacco-induced coughing of Serge Gainsbourg.
Serge later re-mixed the track after marketing testing amongst the target audience indicated that they'd rather listen to someone having it off than hacking it up.
Jane is now the director of France's leading chain of teeth-whiting clinics.
Basically, it was the same music, but instead of the sultry moaning of the young chanteause Jane Birkin, it featured the tobacco-induced coughing of Serge Gainsbourg.
Serge later re-mixed the track after marketing testing amongst the target audience indicated that they'd rather listen to someone having it off than hacking it up.
Jane is now the director of France's leading chain of teeth-whiting clinics.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Ducking Gaddafi's Shit Storm
As the world watches Libya and deludes itself that civil war may produce liberal democracy, there are others that view the footage muttering "Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck" as they see their ill-gotten gaddafi gravy-train gains splash back from the the fan and discolour their careers.
For example: Thatcherite university LSE has been showing just how much money can be had by wallowing amongst dictators and oligarchs.
Elsewhere, the agents of ill-advised, yet admittedly greedy and amoral Celebrities have been phoning them up and breaking the news that the money has to go back.
It's rare that it comes to this, but their loss is our schadenfreude.
For example: Thatcherite university LSE has been showing just how much money can be had by wallowing amongst dictators and oligarchs.
Elsewhere, the agents of ill-advised, yet admittedly greedy and amoral Celebrities have been phoning them up and breaking the news that the money has to go back.
It's rare that it comes to this, but their loss is our schadenfreude.
Oh Dear
For our American listeners: Carsi is arabic for lavatory, and is used in England as a vulgar term for the same.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Bontempi Pusher Exposed
Apparently, Hashim Thaci, Kosova's prime minister has been dealing in organs and drugs.
I think the authorities need to interview Keith Emerson!
I think the authorities need to interview Keith Emerson!
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
Winter Wonderland Woe
Yes, it's a Stolen Snowman
Contains the quote:
"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect someone to nick your snowman."
Contains the quote:
"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect someone to nick your snowman."
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Hygiene Warning
Forget Wikileaks: I can reveal that that new guy in HR, you know, the lanky streak of piss with the wayward hair, well, I can reveal that he was in the lavvy having a dump, and then came out and left WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS: Dirty Bastard!
Hopefully, I'll not be introduced to him, and will therefore avoid the embarrassment of refusing to shake hands.
And whilst I'm talking about Wikileaks: where does this leave the conspiracy theorists? Surely, the controlling state will have stopped this? Or is Wikileaks a hoax set up by the hegemony to make us believe that they are not omnipotent? Or did it never happen at all, like the moon landings?
Hopefully, I'll not be introduced to him, and will therefore avoid the embarrassment of refusing to shake hands.
And whilst I'm talking about Wikileaks: where does this leave the conspiracy theorists? Surely, the controlling state will have stopped this? Or is Wikileaks a hoax set up by the hegemony to make us believe that they are not omnipotent? Or did it never happen at all, like the moon landings?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Meet Your Local Sniffer Dog
Starbucks in St Pancras station has a neighbourhood board!
In the era of paranoia, I thought it was quite fitting that they're introducing us to the four-legged frontline in the war on terror.
Meet the gang:
In the era of paranoia, I thought it was quite fitting that they're introducing us to the four-legged frontline in the war on terror.
Meet the gang:
Trampled Underfoot
In the wake of the student demonstrations against increased college fees, and the presence of (rather photogenic) schoolgirls in particular, the Metropolitan Police are concerned about the youngsters' well-being.
According to a strapline in a paper on the tube:
Met claim school kids' safety in danger from Demo
Err, actually, I think you'll find that they're more in danger from being baton-charged by police on horseback!
According to a strapline in a paper on the tube:
Err, actually, I think you'll find that they're more in danger from being baton-charged by police on horseback!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Cowboyds Anandians
Apparently, at some point in history, the organisation for which I work had dealings with the Association for Anandians.
No, I never heard of them either. Wikipedia informs me that they are the old boys of Ananda College , a buddhist school in Sri Lanka.
Et Alia, Wikipedia provides the following fact:
1891 November: C.C. Jayatissa, who was Anandian, was the first Sri Lankan to pass the Cambridge junior examination in the German language.
It also publishes the school song, which appears to have been written by Kurt Schwitters:
Anandai anandai anande ada anandai
Samma sambudu sugatha thatgatha sambudu pilimaya abiyasadee Kelesun Duruwee Athyugalesadee
Anandai anandai anande ada anandai
Silgath thani sudu nelum kusum lesa, pehedi, pibidi pirisindu wee Munidun namadimu ath yuga hisadee
Anandai Anandai Anande ada anandai
Now, if only I could have gone to a school like that.
No, I never heard of them either. Wikipedia informs me that they are the old boys of Ananda College , a buddhist school in Sri Lanka.
Et Alia, Wikipedia provides the following fact:
1891 November: C.C. Jayatissa, who was Anandian, was the first Sri Lankan to pass the Cambridge junior examination in the German language.
It also publishes the school song, which appears to have been written by Kurt Schwitters:
Anandai anandai anande ada anandai
Samma sambudu sugatha thatgatha sambudu pilimaya abiyasadee Kelesun Duruwee Athyugalesadee
Anandai anandai anande ada anandai
Silgath thani sudu nelum kusum lesa, pehedi, pibidi pirisindu wee Munidun namadimu ath yuga hisadee
Anandai Anandai Anande ada anandai
Now, if only I could have gone to a school like that.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Up North
Yes, after a gruelling weeks I get a weekend away in York.
It was like visiting an Alan Bennett theme park:
“We’re Europeans” I heard one lady exclaim “we’re just not designed for that kind of food!”.
It was like visiting an Alan Bennett theme park:
“We’re Europeans” I heard one lady exclaim “we’re just not designed for that kind of food!”.
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